Verse Chorus Verse
by lets waltz
Summary: Emma. Ellie. Craig. Road trip. Ch.17: "He loves me but he doesn’t have a clue what to do with it. All he does is hurt me, Sean."
1. Chapter 1

**Russian Sayings**

There were fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror. The entire ride I gazed at them while he spun me stories about the open rode. I touched my fingers to the black dots and pet them when we crossed our first state line. He turned his head just enough to wink at me,"Ah, yes…the female philosophy: if it's pink it must be good."

"You have such an overwhelming understanding of women, Craig. It's makes me all a-flutter in my naughty parts," I bit before turning to gaze out the window.

He laughed loudly at the bitterness in my voice, "Relax, it was a joke."

"How much longer to the hotel?" I asked fumbling with the zipper on my jacket.

"I don't know, two hours, maybe three…"

I let him trail off and focused on the trees. New York state was beautiful. So many varieties of trees each a different shade of green. The sky in this part of the road had this glow to it as the sun faded. I wanted to take a picture and save it forever. I wanted to remember this moment, when everything meant something. "Pull over," I ordered.

"Why? There's nothing around," Craig reasoned darting his eyes over at me.

"I want to take a picture."

"Of the absolute nothing?"

"Maybe if you focus on something other than how fucking bitter you are, you'd see how beautiful the skylight is. Weaving light in and out of the trees…it's perfect."

He slowed down some and pulled over to the roadside, "Five minutes," he warned. "I will leave you."

"Aren't you sweet," I mocked unbuckling and climbing out of the car. I dug my camera out of my duffle in the back seat before hopping onto the trunk of the car, "You should get out and look around," I shouted to Craig.

"Nature isn't my thing, Elle."

"My name isn't Elle…God that's not even a name, just a letter. No one gets to call me that."

"I could be the deviation from the rule."

"Or not…" I muttered as his car door slammed.

"So what are we looking at?"

"The sky, the mountains, the trees…take your pick."

"The Catskill"

"What?"

"That mountain range, it's called the Catskill."

"Don't you just know it all…" I whispered turning towards him.

"There's a guide book in my bag with the maps. I had to plan out our drive, you know."

"How far ahead have you planned?"

"So far just to Alabama…we're working our way back north through Tennessee, I just have to figure it out on paper."

"How long?"

"Who cares…we're taking our time. It could be years before we're back in Canada."

"No it couldn't…Emma's pregnant, remember?"

"So we make adjustments along the way. We live like gypsies now."

"Until you run out of money…then what?"

"We're stopping in Virginia to work. A couple of months doing retail, saving everything we can then we'll head back out. We'll stop every few states. When she gets too pregnant to work, we'll just work more shifts. She can take up knitting. We're not going back until the journey is over."

I paused and looked up at him, "You're being really sweet. Why?"

"Everyone needs friends…us more than anyone."

"Emma's already at the hotel?"

"I think she's been waiting for us since last week," he joked. "She bought a van…it's a step down from an RV. She wanted us to have options and, you know, hotels frown on RVs in the parking lots…trailor parks frown on twenty-somethings sleeping in cars. All the typical stereotypes."

"What are you gonna do with the car?"

He pulled out a cigarette cupping around his mouth to light it, "Sell it when we get to Hyde Park." He took a puff then faced me again, blowing his smoke upwards. "I made reservations for something called American Bounty…it's one of the Culinary Institute's restaurants. I thought it would do us well to experience American Cuisine at its best. You know, before we fell victim to every pretzel dtand in the world."

"You've had this car for years…and you'll just get rid of it like that?" I snapped my fingers on the word 'that' to emphasize my point.

"Too many memories," he shrugged.

I looked down at my hands solemnly. Moments passed between us as he finished his cigarette. "Manny?" I finally whispered before he turned to get back in the car.

"Yeah…and all her ghosts. You know, there's this Russian saying, "Te ze znalsh something…I don't know. My drummer used to say it meant, "This is how things must be." I think about that…a lot. I used to live it. Now…I don't know…we can change anything, right? That's what they were always telling us in highschool…we can change the world." He turned back to me then, "Let me take your picture with your sky-line."

"No…you should get in it too. We'll put the timer on and set in on the roof."

He nodded and stood a couple feet into the grass so I could set up the shot. I pressed the timer and rushed to stand beside him. He wrapped an arm around my waist and my mouth opened in a little 'o' with shock. Before I had pulled myself together the flash went off before my eyes. "We should take it again," I whispered.

"Why?" he asked staring down at me.

"I wasn't ready."

"We're never ready…even when we think we are," he reasoned. "Candid is the best kind of memory." Then he turned away from me and climbed back into the car.

I looked at the picture on my digital camera's display and sighed. This was going to be one hell of a "journey." Craig revved the engine and I rushed back into my seat. He looked at me with laughter in his eyes, "I wouldn't really leave you on the side of the road."

"How can I be sure? The Craig I knew in Toronto was always running from everything."

"Ouch," he muttered spitefully pulling back onto the road. "And what about you, Ellie? You never run? That's not why you're here? Because life back home was too painful to watch?"

"That's different. Sean. Sean's different."

"It's not. It's not different just because you want it to be."

I reached over to press play on the CD player in his car.

" _I am waiting to find you, finding yourself_

_I am waiting for you to see me, seeing you_

_Just like it was the first time."_

"You have your own CD in the stereo?" I asked, "That's self-righteous…even for you."

"I was trying to…I was trying to trace my steps, figure out where it all went wrong."

I scoffed and ejected the CD, "I can answer that one for you."

"Yeah? Enlighten me," he barked bitterly.

"The day you picked her over me," I said with a lot more conviction then I felt.

He whistled low in his throat while I searched for a different CD. "I didn't expect you to be so blunt."

"I didn't expect you to be picking at old scabs. You know, if you let them, they heal."

He stared me down bitterly, "Yeah? Thanks for the advice; want to talk about Cameron now?" My mouth snaps shut and he smirks, "That's what I thought. You…you were so hung up on me "picking you." But why, Ellie? Was it really about me? Or was it just because no one had ever picked you before?"

I slapped him soundly for that comment. I'm not even sure how I managed, the way we were driving. Then I just crumpled into myself staring at my hand. He looked like he wanted to respond but my tears silenced him. I threw my headphones and refused to look up from my lap. I was through two CDs before I acknowledged him again. "I'm sorry," I mumbled half-heartedly.

"Don't be; I deserved it. I can…I'm an ass when I feel backed in a corner."

"Maybe this trip…me coming…maybe it wasn't such a great idea."

"No, Ellie…I want you here."

"We can't get along for more than three hours at a time."

"We'll learn—"

"Or we'll kill eachother."

"It'd be a good way to go. I—I like this. It feels right. Like I'm doing it right this time. The next exit is ours. And, look, if you really don't want to come…you can bow out in Hyde Park. I'll sell you the car for cheap and you can drive home. But Elle…I want you with us. It feels good driving beside you."

He sounded so sincere and I wanted to ask him: about Manny, about his last road trip, about what happens next. But I couldn't find the words. It felt like I could never find the words. He started paying attention to street signs when we pulled off at our exit. "My phone's in the ash tray, call Em and find out where she is."

I reached towards the small blue box obligingly pressing 'seven' on his speed dial. "Emma? It's Ellie. We just pulled off on the Hyde Park exit. Where are you…the Denny's?"

"Which one?"

"Craig wants to know which one…the one by the skeeball place a block after our hotel."

"Tell her we're less than fifteen minutes away. Ask her if she ate yet."

"We'll…haha, she says she can hear you and no, she had lunch five hours ago but so far she's just been drinking water and pissing off the waitress."

"Ask her to order me some hotcakes."

"No. Emma, don't you dare order him any food. We'll see you shortly. We'll order then…bye." I hung up the phone and tossed it back into the ashtray, "How lazy are you? You can't wait an extra thirty minutes?"

"I've been driving for thirteen hours. You sleep. You eat slushies and hot dogs while I fill up the gas tank. I'm hungry; sue me."

"Are you sure you're in any position to ask for another law suit?" I quip. My eyes outlined his jaw, trying to anticipate his response. I was hoping for laughter.

He smiled, "Touche…I paid my lawyer too much last year as it was."

I smiled back at him and reached up to touch the dice again, "I think these should be our good luck charm," I told him.

"Manny bought them. To remind me that we were a gamble…like I ever fucking forgot."

"On second thought, who needs charms."

"No, I think you're right. We should take them. They've never been lucky before…they owe us."

I laughed at his reasoning, "Okay then, ugly pink dice are our symbol of rebirth."

He pulled into the Denny's parking lot and I looked through the windows for Emma. I saw her trying to get a salt shaker to stand on its side and quickly unbuckled. I ran in and slid into the booth beside her, "Emma. God is it good to see you."

She laughed loudly and I was grateful to hear it again. She kissed my cheek, "I missed you too. So much, Nora…so much."

"How's the baby feeling today?" Craig asked joining us at the table.

"He's doing well…earlier today he was rolling over, trying to get comfortable. It hurt like hell so I'm really hoping he's happy where he's at now."

"So it's a boy? What'd Jay have to say?"

"He's happy…really happy. And, you know, sad at the same time. He wants to be here, obviously. He's pissed he'll miss the birth, he's pissed he can't feel him kicking or hear his heartbeat. He's completely rational…it scares me sometimes."

"I told him the army was a bad idea. They take their time right when you need it most," I sighed.

"Yeah, but we have to look at the positives too…no college bills and a steady income. It's not the worst."

I looked over at Craig who was frantically trying to lure the waitress over with his eyes. "Come on, baby, flaunt the popstar in you," I teased.

"Hello, that's what I was doing. She must be gay."

"Or maybe she just doesn't recognize you…" Emma muttered.

I mock gasped and Craig scowled slightly, "See if I pay for your dinner now, Hogart."

Emma laughed. Craig and I followed suit; it was hard not to. It was great to see one of your closest friends still happy even after life had pulled all its worst tricks on her. It gave me hope. I had missed hope.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I will be changing the rating to M with the next chapter because of content.

**Old Wounds**

Emma was sitting on one of the beds, cell phone in hand. "Craig wants to stay here for a week or so…we're close to New York City without having to pay to stay there. If you want to send mail I can give you the—…yeah, Jay, I have it…e-mail's different. E-mail says, "It's easy to love you." A care package says, "You make it easy to love you by being so GREAT!"" Her laughter floated through the room stirring Craig from his slumber.

"Hey," he muttered voice cracking with dry air, "M'sleeping." He pulled a pillow down to cover his ears and drown out the sound.

"My love doesn't care," she snarked. But she quickly shut herself in the bathroom with the phone anyway.

I continued to flick the black band on my wrist looking back and forth between Craig and the empty bed. "What's got your panties in a twist?" he asked tossing the pillow on the empty space beside him.

I shook myself out of my revere, "What? Nothing."

"Then why are you snapping at your skin with those rubber bands?"

I stilled my fingers, looking down. "I didn't realize…bored I guess…restless."

"Restless? Try to get some sleep…we're driving into the city at 6 for a night of wild parties."

"What?"

"Emma didn't tell you? I got tickets to Wicked."

"No one tells me anything. God, you guys prepared the transportation, you planned the locations, all the events. I'm just the tag-a-long."

"Aww…is Ellie feeling left out?" he asked snidely.

"Die Manning," I spit rising from my chair.

"Look…you could have been involved in the planning if, you know, you ever returned my calls."

"What calls? The one where you told me you married Manny? Or how about the one where you called to apologize for standing me up in Montreal cause Manny didn't want you seeing me. Or the one where you called to tell me you were going into rehab for all the drugs you PROMISED you weren't doing. Or my personal favorite, "Hey…um. Manny left me. I just wanted—I don't know what I wanted. Manny wrote a book…I'm sure it'll be released soon. It doesn't say the best things about you…I just wanted you to hear it from me. I'm sorry." God, for three years you talked at my answering machine instead of me. That book ruined my relationship. Sean and I were…we were happy, Craig. He loved me before anyone else…he loved me **better** than anyone else—"

"Screw you."

"No Craig, screw _you_. I _owed it _to Sean to try and make things work. He changed for me. He supported every dream I ever had. Your scag of a wife killed that with rumors about our secret love affair. So why would you ever expect me to pick up and follow you after everything you put me through. I didn't want to listen to your self-loathing while you detoxed. I didn't CARE how sorry you were. I didn't care about your pain…your self-pity…you had earned it as far as I was concerned." I rose my eyes to meet him in a challenge, "You deserved **her**."

Emma walked out of the bathroom and tossed her phone on the bed, "What the hell, guys? _Jay _could hear you screaming and I had the water running."

"Sorry Em," I whispered before turning to walk out our suite door.

"Craig," she asked bending towards him, "it'll work out."

"She's right…"

"What do you mean?"

"I did deserve all the bads things that happened."

"Yeah, maybe…I believe in kharma. But Craig…that means you deserve _this _too. You deserve the good parts too."

"Ellie," he whispered.

"I don't know, Craig."

"I know…I don't yet. But I will. Someday, Emma…I'm gonna prove it…I'm gonna earn a place in _her _heart."

Emma smoothed his hair behind his ear, "Right now, just focus on finding her."

It wasn't hard to find me, I was sitting on the roof of our van, cross-legged staring at the door to our room. "Ellie?" he called out looking level to him at the sidewalks and benches.

"Up here," I whispered.

"Are you crying?"

"Just enough to make you feel bad."

"I would've felt bad anyway," he promised latching onto my eyes.

"You shouldn't. I should…I was cruel."

"You were right."

"Yeah, but I was also cruel…the one unforgiveable sin—"

"Deliberate cruelty" we finished together. I laughed then asked him for the time.

"2:40" he said checking his watch.

"We should get our nap in."

"Yeah. And Elle?"

"Ellie," I corrected, "and what?"

"I bought the Wicked tickets for you. I—the weekend you were supposed to join me in Banff, that's what we were going to do. I was going to surprise you by flying you to NYC. I remembered how you always mentioned it in your letters…wanting to see a real show."

"Thank you," I whispered weakly. "Help me down?"

"How'd you ever get up there?" he asked walking towards me.

"There's a ladder on the back."

He laughed silently and I saw all of his teeth, "Come down backwards, I'll spot you."

"Okay, but spot my neck and nothing lower. I'm in a skirt."

"Well, that's not really my fault," he teased hovering his hands around my waist.

"Fine, fine…you would've seen my underwear at some point on this trip anyway." I reasoned.

He coughed and his hand slipped up and I lowered myself onto the last rung, "What?"

"I just meant since we're taking turns with the laundry. God, Craig…tell me you don't dream about me."

He laughed and led the way back into the room, "You two make up?" Emma asked looking up from the dresser.

"Yes…tell me you're not going to unpack at every hotel," Craig urged rolling his eyes.

"It make it feel like home," she argued.

"It isn't home, Em…that's the whole point. There is no home now, for any of us."

I looked back and forth between the two of them, "Craig—"

"What the fuck, Craig? Look around…this IS home. Two of my best friends, dream after dream…there is no better home. Sure I wish Jay was here…I'll probably wish that everyday. But with the exception of that one little problem, this is the best thing I could ask for. Not just "now." Not just because the sky is falling in Toronto…because I get to experience the best of everything with two people I love more than anything…" she trailed off then placed her hand on the bump on her belly, "three…three people."


	3. Chapter 3

Here is Chapter 3. Before I get into it I want to thank everyone for the replies. Also, part of chapter 2 got cut off mysteriously...so I'm posting it up top here. There will only be (until we near the end) Jay/Emma portions through flashbacks. And for the most part they will be softer, and shorter than today's. But it just so happens this is Jemma Fan-Terry Hill's lucky day. Chapter 3 has more Jemma than the heart can handle.

Again, thank everyone for reviewing. I love angst, so I love this story, especially this chapter. And I really can't wait for chapter four. More angst than I know what to do with...ENJOY!

Chapter Two, still

"Rose tint the world, Em…" he muttered looking away.

"For God's sake, Craig. Pull your head out of your ass long enough to enjoy what's left of your life. If Manny was all you had you would've finished those pills off in Vancouver. But you didn't. You flushed them, remember? You chose rehab…you chose LIFE. So start living it. Conversation's over. I set the alarm for 6:00 so we'll all have time to get showers. I'm going to sleep now."

I put my hand on Craig's shoulder, "You okay?" she asked.

He nodded, "I forget sometimes…sometimes it all goes dark. And she needs to bring me back. But she always does…I'm good now. Get some rest."

I climbed onto the bed next to Emma and rolled over so I was facing the wall. "Ellie?" Craig asked from the other bed.

"Yeah Craig?"

"Do you forgive me?"

I inhaled sharply, "I—not yet. But I will…I will."

"Yeah…thanks…I'm sorry, you know."

"I know…go to sleep."

Chapter 3: Haunted

The next morning we set out for New York City. Emma was still mad at Craig and Craig was, in response, less talkative than ever. I stretched out in the backseat of the car, "I am so excited," I started.

"Good" Craig said looking in the rearview mirror briefly.

"It was really nice of you to get these tickets, Craig," Emma said looking over at him.

"Thanks."

Emma looked back at me, "So, are you enjoying the one words answers? I know it's really get me all hot and bothered."

"Manny was on The Today Show" he muttered boldly.

"And?" I asked, "Who the fuck cares what she does now?"

"She makes her career reliving my mistakes."

"Everyone has mistakes," I offered with a shrug.

"Not everyone has to replay them on a daily basis."

"Sure we do. Not always in public…but always nonetheless." She paused for a minute and I knew the story she was going to tell. "Before Jay and I got married…Sean came to see me. We went out to this seafood restaurant. It was one of the best meals I've ever had. I still loved him…and I told him that, over dessert. We ended up sleeping together."

"What?" Craig interrupted, "You never told me that!"

"You never needed to know," I mumbled from the back.

"She told YOU?"

"Yes. And then Sean told me. We were honest about everything. Foreign concept, I know."

"Don't make this about me. I want to hear more about the Cameron-Nelson sexcapades."

Emma shrugged, "He was rough. Not gentle…I mean, after Jay," she blushed then continued. "I was used to these gentle, princess touches…he never touched me like Jay had until…after…"

"You slept with him more than once?"

"I told Jay about the dinner a couple of days later. He was furious. I mean, obviously. I—he left me. He went to stay with Alex and that girl she was seeing…Rachel or something."

"_He is my **friend **Emma. How do you…how do you justify that? How do you look at yourself knowing what you're doing to me."_

"_What, Jay? What am I doing to you? You're not here anymore. If you aren't at school, you're working. If you aren't at work you're at the lab doing research. For school. You have priorities…I'm just not one of them."_

"_I'm trying to make something of myself. **For you**. I'm trying to get us out of this town…away from this little boy blue bullshit."_

"_Maybe I don't want to get away. Maybe I don't want to RUN AWAY, Jay."_

"_That's not what you did here? Run to Cameron when you couldn't fix our problems? I'm not a puzzle, Emma. Fuck."_

"_No, puzzles I can work out. You…you're always hiding, always running. You don't stop because you're afraid of what will happen when you do. What are you afraid will catch up with you?"_

"_The past. And look at that, here it is. Sean and Ellie hit a rough patch because of Santos' book. You get bored with me and you both meet up, naked, like your relationship **didn't **end eight years ago."_

_Emma struck him then shrunk away, "It wasn't like that."_

"_It was exactly like that," Jay spit touching his fingers to his cheek. They were both quiet for a moment then he looked her square in the eye, "My mother used to hit me."_

_Emma inhaled sharply and opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. "No, Emma. My mother used to smack the shit out of me. I used to smack the shit out of anyone I could. But not you, Emma. Not once did I ever…so much as grab you hard. Whatever reasons you think you have for…for cheating on me…for taking a swing at me…for any of it…I don't care. It's all bullshit. You did this. Not me."_

"_Jay, God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Emma pleaded wrapping her fingers around his wrist. It was a move of desperation and, God, did she ever feel desperate._

"_You should be sorry. I'm going to stay with Alex for a while. Clear my head."_

"_You're running to your ex and lecturing me?"_

"_Alex and I aren't going to hop into bed with eachother the first time one of us expresses an emotion other than contempt."_

"_How could I forget…Saint Jay: turned his life around and never looked back."_

"_Damn straight I never looked back, Emma," he said walking towards the door, "and I'm not about to start now." Emma watched his back as he slammed the door and it hurt to think that she was part of his past now too._

"So he left and you went to Sean again? You didn't learn?"

"This from the man that let Manny have two of his abortions." Emma said arching an eyebrow.

"Point taken," Craig mumbled looking far away.

"I…didn't think he was coming back. I called twice a day at Alex's until she finally told me I was just making things worse. I waited months. But I couldn't stop thinking about Sean. I hadn't seen him since the night we slept together. When I finally did, he looked a wreck…and it just made me feel more guilty. I knew he was trying to fix things with you, Ellie. But he was so mad at you for sleeping with Craig. Well, not sleeping with him but he thought you did and…Manny fucked everything up is the short version."

"I'm familiar," Ellie growled rolling her eyes.

"He started coming to the house in the day. I would make him lunch; we would talk. One day he kissed me. I didn't really expect it. But it felt good. To…feel wanted after so much rejection. We had sex on the couch before he went back to work. Then we did it again the next day. One day we were laying there, after. And he kissed me and said, "I love Ellie." It was weird. It should have hurt but it didn't. I loved Jay. He closed his eyes and I could feel his tears. He said, "I love you, too. But—"

"I know," I whispered back kissing him, "I understand completely." You'd think we would've stopped then…but we didn't. It was…It was about comfort, I think. I don't know. Jay came back though…he didn't come to see me. I could just tell because I passed his car on the way to some of my classes. I drove past the auto shop and saw him working under the hood of something expensive. I drove past The Dot and saw him serving milkshakes. I wanted to go see him, but I—he obviously hadn't come back for me. Sean ran into him at the drug store once. He punched Sean in the face then asked him if I was worth it. Sean cried a lot that week and we didn't have sex but he still slept at the house. It was right around the time you went into rehab, Craig. Sean took his car into the shop to get it reapolstered. Jay found one of my sweaters in the backseat and some condoms in his duffle on the floor. He…he…"

_Suddenly Sean was pressed against the car door, "You still fucking my—"_

"_You're what? You're EX-girlfriend? What if I am?"_

_Jay smoldered at the words and tightened his grip around Sean's neck, "You're pathetic," he spit then backed away._

"_No, Jay, YOU are pathetic. She was begging you to take her back. She was willing to work on herself, on your relationship. You don't know how lucky you are that she…she didn't just give up when it got too hard."_

"_I hate you," Jay ground out turning and stalking back into the shop._

_Days later Emma was sitting on her couch, "Where's that beige sweater I wore to your brother's birthday dinner?"_

"_Umm…Emma…there's something I have to tell you," he said ringing his hands and toeing at the carpet. The story fell out easily and she shivered as he finished. _

"_Jay has the sweater? I…he bought it for me. He loved me in lace. I'm going to go see him." Emma frowned softly but she had made up her mind. _

_The next day she put on her best, a skin-tight gold dress that fell just above her knees. She walked into The Dot and eyed the teenagers milling about, "Is Jay here?" she asked the boy behind the counter._

"_Mr. Hogart took the cashier's box to the bank. He left me in charge while he was gone though. Can I help you?"_

"_Um. No…it's personal. Will he be back shortly?"_

"_Yeah but…Emma…this really isn't the best place. A confrontation? At work? He has a business to run…" Emma looked up to see Spinner standing behind her._

"_I just…I just need him to hear me out."_

"_I'll tell him you stopped by."_

"_And if he doesn't come find me?"_

"_I can't. I'm sorry, Emma, but I can't let you do this to him. He's barely holding it together. You can't stay."_

"_You're going to remove me?"_

"_You're a smart woman, Em. Don't push it to that level."_

_Emma nodded and rose to leave. She made it to the door just as Jay's car pulled up. She turned and looked back at Spinner. He lowered his eyes to the floor and shook his head back and forth. "What are you doing here?" Jay asked bitterly._

"_I—nothing, Jay. Just…apologizing again and—"_

"_Well **thanks**, apologies do SO lessen the pain of finding out the love of your life is slutting around."_

_His words stung and she recoiled like she had been slapped. "And telling you that I'll stay out of your way from now on. I don't. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. I'll go now."_

"_Oh, please, Emma. Don't start considering my feelings now. I wouldn't know how to respond to such great kindness," he spit after me._

_She turned to look back at him but said nothing. He had tears in his eyes and she rose her hand to wipe at them but stilled her hand at his shoulder when she remembered that wasn't one of her privledges anymore. "You know what your problem is, Emma? You live in the present, and you always look backwards…but you never think about the future. You couldn't wait for the happy ending so you settled for something less magnificent but right there in front of you. Always looking for the easy fix."_

_Emma let the tears in her own eyes fall onto the asphalt and made eye contact one last time, "You're right. And I couldn't have been more wrong. And that's that…there's no fixing it at all anymore; I get that. That's what I came to tell you. Um. Good luck. I. I hope…" she paused briefly and turned back towards the road, away from him, "I hope you find the happiness…the fairy tale you're looking for…you deserve it." She walked all the way back to her apartment and spent the next two days hiding from the world._

_Weeks passed and Sean and Emma fell away from eachother again. Not because they didn't still care about eachother rather, because Emma was pulling away from everyone. Ellie went over and held her while she tried to fall asleep. "Ellie," she whispered, "I miss him. I will never love anyone but him." Ellie just shushed her and rocked her until her breathing slowed and she could tell the smaller girl was asleep. They let her ride out the worst part of the pain from the dark rooms of her apartment. Then one day they ffinally forced her out. Ellie arranged a dinner for the three of them at a place called ShangraiLa. Everything was going perfectly until she saw him. He was sitting at a small round table with a gorgeous blonde, laughing about something she said. Emma crumbled like a rag doll. Sean pulled her against his body in a tight hug and mumbled, "Hey, you can do this. You're strong, remember?"_

"_No, no…I'm not strong. Not on my own. I need…"_

"_You need what?" Ellie asked expecting her to name one of them or her mother, or Snake, or…anything that wasn't…._

"_Him…I need him."_

_Ellie's heart broke hearing those words and she could see in Sean's eyes that his had too. When Ellie looked back up Jay was staring at us. "Let's just get to our table."_

_Sean nodded in response and guided Emma back to our table. She didn't look up just kept her eyes focused on the grain of the carpet. "He's moving on," she told them when they sat at our table._

"_You knew he would eventually," Sean whispered as gently as possible._

"_No. I thought…I thought he would realize he needed me too and come back. But he doesn't. He doesn't need me." Ellie understood how she felt because that's what she had been thinking about Sean for months now. And that understanding kept her glued to her seat. Sean looked over at her as if begging her for help…but Ellie didn't know what to say._

_He pulled her into him on the booth and rubbed her back in soothing circles. Ellie turned her gaze to where Jay's eyes were fixed on the pair. "Sean…I don't think…he looks…he's watching."_

"_I don't give a good goddamn what he thinks or looks at, Ellie," Sean spit brushing Emma's bangs back, "You've come too far to let this break you, Em."_

_She nodded slowly and pulled herself into a sitting position, "Thank you, Sean." Her eyes darted back and forth between us and Jay's table all night. She hardly touched her food and Ellie made a show of asking the waiter to box it all up for later. _

_They were sitting on a bench in front of the restaurant waiting for the valet. Jay and his date had to walk past us to leave. And as they did we heard his words: "Bitch I used to date."_

_Sean sprung up and grabbed the collar of Jay's shirt._

"_What the fuck is your problem?" Jay asked dropping his take-out bag._

"_Don't talk about Emma like that," Sean quipped shoving Jay backwards._

"_I'll talk about whoever I want however I want," Jay said spitefully._

"_Not Emma, not when I'm around."_

"_Of course, you're the white knight. Jay messed up? Fuck Sean instead, they're like the same but different. Tell me Emma, does he run his tongue along the shell of your ear like you like? Does he fuck you hard, or soft…or maybe both."_

"_He doesn't fuck me at all," Emma bit standing up to walk away from him._

_He grabbed her arm and spun her back to him, "What, did he finally realize your tragic flaw too?"_

_Sean moved forwards to intervene but Emma motioned him back. "Let me handle this, Sean. Promise." He nodded and she followed his eyes down to the white knuckles on her forearm, "You're hurting me, Jay."_

_He wrapped his other hand around her shoulder and shook her roughly, "And you're KILLING me. This is killing me."_

_He shoved her away and she faltered before gaining her ground again, "I guess you can scratch that off your list." She tossed Sean and Ellie another look, begging them not to step in, to just let them have their fight._

"_What?" Jay asked confusion splaying over his features._

"_Never so much as grabbing me hard? Remember?" she searched his eyes for something, any clue that they could fix this. He dropped his hands from her like she was fire. And she sobbed loudly, "You…you only loved me when we were perfect. When you though I was perfect…" _

_Jay stepped towards her but she scurried back further, "I never wanted you to be afraid of me," he whispered hoarsely._

"_You never wanted me at all," she replied angrily walking away._

_Jay ran after her, Ellie, Sean, and the mystery girl tagging behind. "What do you mean I never wanted you? Why would you think that? Where would you get that ridiculous idea?"_

"_Everything you want you have," Emma said waving her arm to gesture around the lot. "And it wasn't easy, was it? You had to fight for it all. Everything you have you fought for…you gave me up without a second glance. You never fought for me, you never wanted me…you never needed me. I—."_

"_Why would I come after you if I didn't want you? If I didn't need you?"_

"_This is the first—the only—time you've come after me. And it's because you have to make ammends. That's what this was always about…this whole relationship. You felt guilty—you still feel guilty about everything you put me through in highschool. So you had to make it up to me…with the soft words, the gentle touches…the dream. But then I screwed up…I stopped being perfect!Emma with perfect!Jay…and suddenly we were even. And now, you think…with the arm, the shoulder, the pushing you think you owe me again. But you don't Jay. You don't owe me anything." _

_He moved his hand to her cheek to brush at her tears and she flinched. "Oh God, you flinched. You…I'm sorry…I'll never—I never—"_

_Emma grabbed his hand in her own, "You don't get it. It's not just the angry touches that hurt me, Jay. I can't even look at you without hurting anymore." _

_The valet pulled up with the car and Emma turned back to him again, "I'm moving out of the apartment, Jay. You should…you should call the landlord and set up a time to get your stuff out."_

"_Where are you going?"_

"_None of your fucking business," Ellie spit._

"_Ellie," Emma corrected._

"_Right, sorry, you're **handling** it."_

"_I'm going to the States for a while," Emma said to Jay._

"_What's in the States?" Jay asked softly._

_Emma didn't say anything and they all just kind of stared at eachother. Emma saw in his eyes the moment his got it, "Craig Manning," they both said in unision._

"So that's how you ended up in my flat? I always wondered why you came down alone. You lied to me so well, Hogart. You told me things were fine between you and Papa Hogart. You told me STORIES about what he was doing in Canada. You faked phone conversations! Tell me something, is he really over seas? In the Army? Are you two even MARRIED after all that?"

"You were at the wedding, Craig," Emma laughed rolling her eyes.

"Yes, but perhaps my eyes were deceiving me then."

"Nope, you became much harder to deceive when you came off the meth," Ellie shot from the backseat.

"Thanks for all the loving support, ladies."

"Anytime," Emma laughed, eyes twinkling.

"So how'd you two work it out?"

"That's…Ellie's part of the story."

"What?" Craig asked looking back at me, "You got them back together?"

"Not directly. I…you're gonna get angry. Like, unbelievably angry and she shouldn't talk about this while you're driving."

He looked back and forth between the girls then said, "When we get to the pizza shop. I want to hear the whole thing."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note (Part 1): I am so sorry. All I wanted when I started writing this chapter was angst. I had three goals in mind:**

**1. Make Ellie's character so heroically heartbreaking that people will wonder how she has moved/will move on from it all.**

**2. Give Craig a few really great jackass moments.**

**3. Find some believable and remarkable way to bring Jay back into the story so he and Emma could get back to loving.**

**Yeah, I met the goals. But…God, I'm just so sorry it happened like it did.**

At the pizza place Emma picked the most secluded table she could find. Craig was running his fingers through his hair, "You're creeping me out, ladies."

I smiled at him softly, "Just…you missed out on a lot of stuff. And, not all of it were we comfortable filling you in on at the time."

"See the shaking," he said holding his hand up to my eyes, "that's a sign I'm about to scratch my retnas out."

We sat down and I looked at Emma, "No time like the present, right?"

She nodded and looked back to her menu, "I think I want the taco pizza, any takers?"

Craig scrunched his face up, "No…but I'll do buffalo chicken pizza."

"Okay," Emma replied, "order me lemonade and water…I'm going to the bathroom."

I watched her walk away, "Craig, promise you won't fly off the handle."

"Oh my God…you…it wasn't about me driving. You wanted to get me to a public place so I couldn't cause a scene."

I looked down at my plate, "No, I didn't want to tell you until we were in Virginia. But Emma got you all interested so…I'm bumping up the date for you."

"So what is it…is it about Sean?"

"No. I…you remember senior year? Jimmy did that mural and he and I bonded over art and everything."

"No…Jimmy? This is about Jimmy?"

"Craig…just listen, okay?"

"I don't know if I can…but I'll try."

"Thank you. So…Jimmy and I, we stayed close. He helped me with a few other design projects I took on sophmore year to help with bills. We went to the same college benders. When I got back together with Sean, he was my biggest supporter. He got sick a couple of years back. They didn't know what was wrong…"

"I remember, it was in the alumni newsletter."

I laughed, hollow, "Go figure. You read about one of your best friends in the newsletter. Was one of the paragraphs all about how he asked to see you? I hated you. I hated you for being so oblivious to other people…they're lives, they're pain…Jimmy was your opposite. He had all of your good qualities but he also genuinely cared for people."

"When you say people, you mean you, right?"

"No. Well, yes, but other people too. You cut us all out so easily."

"I CALLED YOU," he shouted then reajusted his tone, "I called you all the time. I wrote letters, I sent packages…I kept in touch."

"You kept us updated…but you didn't stay **involved** Craig. Not with me or Jimmy or Marco. With Emma, yeah…but that had more to do with Manny than anything else. Anyway, that's not really the point. The point is, when Sean and I were going through everything after Manny's book…Jimmy was there for me. Sean started spending his nights at Emma's and Jimmy started stopping by, bringing me cupcakes…watching movies with me all night when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't bother Emma with my pain because she was going through that horrible mess. When she went to the States, Sean went to Montreal. He said he wasn't coming back until he got over his issues. It was two weeks and I really thought…I thought he wasn't coming back at all. Jimmy started getting sicker and I moved him into my place. His girlfriend had left him when it got too hard; she couldn't do it, I guess. I took on less hours at the clinic so I could take care of him."

"_Ellie, Ellie…stop," Jimmy said stilling my hands at his sides._

"_What is it? Does it hurt?"_

"_No…I just…wanted to tell you: I always knew it would be like this. You and me, to the end."_

"_This isn't the end, Jimmy. Don't talk like that, okay?"_

"_Ellie, I can't breathe…"_

"_I'll the oxygen—"_

"_No, call 911…"_

_He started wheezing and Ellie jumped to the phone following his orders. The ambulance arrived ten minutes later; Ellie had Jimmy on his oxygen tank already. They pulled him out of the chair and laid him flat on the gurry, "Are you coming with us, or driving behind."_

_She looked around and, not seeing her keys anywhere, followed them out the door, "With you."_

"_You have to ride up front. You'll be able to talk to him, he'll know you're there. But…for safety reasons."_

_She nodded, "We've been here before. I get it."_

_She climbed up front and the EMT riding with her started talking to her, "He's going to be fine; that's Rich and he's the best MedTech there is. You can relax, he's never lost a patient."_

_Ellie scoffed, "At least not before they get to the ER."_

_The technician beside her quieted at that and she turned back to look at Jimmy, "Jim, baby, you're gonna make it. I know you will…you've beat too much not to pull through this too…this is just a little bump."_

_At the hospital they made her wait until he was stable. It was a good sign, it made they had hope. If they didn't think he would get better, they would have let her in immediately. She clung to hope; it was all that kept her alive most days. She dug her cell phone out of her purse and called Marco, "Marco, it's Ellie. Jimmy and I are at Mercy again. They just took him back, they don't know what it is. I'll call you once I get to see him." Then she called Gavin and then Hazel leaving the same messages. She was surprised when twenty minutes later Hazel showed up. "Hazel? I didn't…expect you to come so soon."_

"_He's one of the best friends I've ever had, Elle…this is Marc, I'm not sure you ever met him."_

"_No, no, I'm Ellie Nash…it's a pleasure."_

"_Same," he said before turning back to Hazel, "I'm gonna get you some juice, okay…Ellie, you want anything?"_

"_No, I'm…I'm alright," she replied distracted by the opening doors to the ER._

"_Ms. Nash? You can go in now, he's asking for you."_

_Ellie nodded and turned to Hazel, "Coming? Or do you want to wait to see…you know, what he's condition is."_

_She hesitated then stepped forward, "Now's not the time to get scared, I suppose."_

_Ellie waved to the nurse who pressed opened the door for them. She quickly found Jimmy's room and stepped in, "Jim, Hazel's here."_

"_Everyone wants to say good-bye, eh?" he crackled through the machines._

"_No, Jimmy, stop talking in finalities, okay?" Hazel urged stepping into the room._

"_Do they know what it is?" he paused to look at us, "I didn't think so."_

"_They know it's an infection…they just haven't found it yet," Ellie whispered taking his hand in hers._

_Just then a doctor knocked on the door, "We'd like to run a few more tests, Mr. Brooks, see if we can't track down this monster."_

"_What kind of tests?" he asked._

"_CT scan, and a MRI to start with."_

"_You think it's in my brain?"_

"_You stopped breathing…but there's no pressure on the lungs or heart. That leads us to believe that it wasn't a flow problem, it was a command problem."_

"_Haven't you run these tests before?" Hazel asked._

"_Yes but, perhaps the infection wasn't advance enough to show up on the machines. This isn't an exact science…but this is the best guess we've got."_

_Ellie turned to Jimmy, "You should do it,"_

"_What if you don't find anything?" Jimmy asked brushing off Ellie's request._

"_I'd like you to sign these forms. They give us permission to do a brain biopsy. We would find it…"_

"_If it was there," Jimmy scoffed._

"_Sir, I understand your trepidation."_

"_No, no you don't. I can't walk, I can't run…I've already lost so much of who I was. Now you want to cut out a piece of my brain. And if the operation goes wrong…or hell, even if it goes right I could wake up with serious neurological damage. I might not be able to control my bowels or my speech…I might not be able to keep my spit in my mouth."_

"_With all do respect, if we don't find this infection and it is in your brain, all those things are going to happen anyway. I'll let you think about it." He turned and set the papers on the table before walking out._

_Ellie rubbed her fingers across Jimmy's arm, "Jim, I think you should do it…at least the CT and the MRI. We'll talk about the biopsy after those two…if they don't find anything."_

_He sobbed quietly, "Ellie…Ellie I don't want to die."_

"_You won't, not on my watch…I promise."_

_Hazel took in the sight before her and walked over to Jimmy's side, "Jimmy, you've got a real live guardian angel here. She's been through it all with you, and she wouldn't lead you astray…you owe it to her to fight for yourself as hard as she is…"_

_Jimmy nodded at Hazel, "You're right Haze…you're absolutely right. Bring those papers over here…let me sign them."_

_Ellie exhaled sharply and leaned over to kiss his forehead, "I love you, you know that, right?"_

"_As surely as I know anything…"_

"_Jimmy? Jimmy? I'm looking for Jimmy Brooks man?" a male voice floated through the doors._

_Jimmy pulled himself further up in the bed, "Marco? God Nash, is there anyone you didn't call?"_

"_She didn't call me," a deeper voice said walking into the room._

"_Dad…" Jimmy whispered _

_Marco followed shortly behind him, "The nurses, apparently, frown on people peeking through the curta—Dr. Brooks…oh."_

"_You didn't think I'd want to see my son?"_

"_With all due respect, sir…you haven't been too interested in seeing him healthy. You carried on with your life like he was just one little part of it…and I do mean little." Ellie brandished standing just slightly taller._

_He laughed coldly and stared down at her, "You call that respect?"_

"_I said DUE respect…I don't happen to think you earned much."_

"_Ellie…" Jimmy whispered wrapping his fingers tighter around her, "It's okay, it's okay. How'd you find out I was in here if no one called."_

"_This is my hospital, Jim…I passed your doctors in the hall talking about brain biopsies. You know, those are very dangerous procedures, son."_

"_I'm well aware. I also already signed the papers."_

"_And if you come back brain damaged?"_

"_I'll still be alive."_

"_Even your precious Ellie isn't going to stick around to change your diapers, James."_

_Ellie stepped forwards sharply, "Don't you **ever** speak for what I will or will not do. You don't know anything about me."_

"_I just don't want Jimmy to make choices without thinking everything through."_

"_I have thought it through, Dad…they think they can find what's been doing this to me…that's a strong enough motivator for the risk."_

"You never said anything about Jimmy in any of your letters," Craig said as I took a break for some water.

"You never asked, Craig. Of course, you never asked about ANYTHING, so I should have just assumed."

"You spent all that time with him…all your energy **on **him…you'd think you'd have something to say about it."

"I did…but what good would it have done? You were an addict, Craig. Worse than that, you were addicted to drugs that altered your mental state. Sometimes your letters, your phone calls…they didn't even make any sense. We never talk about it, because we know you were trying to get clean…we gave you your support. But Craig, you were impossible to know. The drugs changed everything about you…or maybe you were the same and they just brought out the worst. The details don't matter, the facts are the same."

Emma covered my hand with hers, "That's for another day, Nora…this is about the—finish your story."

The waiter dropped off the pizza and I ate a couple of slices before continuing, "The MRI showed these dark spots in the back of his brain. They were tiny growths inside the nerve endings…little tumors. Or, that's what they thought. In actuality they were cysts formed by parasites. He had neurocysticercosis. That's a condition where tapeworm larva travels to the brain and build tiny cysts in the infected area. That's why he was so sick, they were feeding on parts of the brain…"

"That's awful…and disgusting…but mostly just awful."

"Yeah, and since they were just starting when he first got sick the CT didn't catch them…and they didn't do an MRI. It—he's lucky they figured it out. They gave him drugs to kill the parasites and he started getting better right away. But he was so scared. And there was still lasting damage from the parasite. He kept saying God had it out for him. And, I believed it, you know. There were little things he wouldn't ever get back, parts of his memory, the ability to close the fingers on his right hand. He seemed so…out of it. He stayed in my house even when Sean moved back. Emma came up to visit a couple of times each month…she stayed with us too. It was like some sort of disfunctional Degrassi reunion."

"Ellie"

"What, Em?"

"The reunion parts…not really necessary. Unless you're just trying to make him feel guilty."

"Which I already do," Craig whispered smiling softly.

"I…it's just how I tell the story. I'll speed it up, okay? Jimmy asked me to have his baby. Just like that, right out of nowhere. He gave me a list of reason…I'd already cared for him through his illness, bathed him, fed him, the works. He wanted to have a child before it was too late. I thought about it for a long time. I told him he should wait to have a child with the woman he was going to marry. But he didn't believe there was one…"

"_Ellie, you're the closest I'm ever going to get to that kind of love."_

"_Jim—"_

"_No, I get it, that you can't love me like that…I'm not talking about that. Ellie, you're the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I want my child to have your qualities. It's a lot to ask…and you're the only one I ever would trust. I—it's harder for men. Woman can decide they want to be single parents and pick a donor. I can't pick a surrogate and eggs and all that without intense screening. And who would give the cripple the right to raise children by himself?"_

"Are you telling me there's a little Jimmy Brooks running around with your eyes?" Craig asked clutching the table so hard his knuckles turned white.

Ellie shook her head sadly, "No, Craig…we were…we were trying. But nothing was working. Sean couldn't understand why I was doing what I was doing and he left again. I had gotten used to it by then. Craig…you have to listen, okay? We started fertility treatments. Months later, there was still nothing to show for it. I took it really hard. Then Jimmy asked me to marry him…"

"How did he react when you said no?" Craig asked leaning towards her.

"I said yes" Ellie replied.

"WHAT? YOU GOT MARRIED? TO JIMMY?" he voice rose and the other customers looked over with wide eyes.

"Craig, calm down…" Emma mumbled reaching out to him.

"You didn't think this was important? You didn't think to MENTION a marriage in one of your letters? Fuck. **Fuck.**"

One of the mothers from a nearby table glared at him, "Excuse you? This is a family restaurant."

"We're sorry ma'am," Ellie said before turning back to Craig, "Calm down, Craig. You're being a jerk. Let me…let me finish."

"There's more? Great. There's more. Just tell me why you didn't think any of this was relevant."

"Honestly? I didn't think you were going to stick around. I didn't think you needed to know everything about my life because you never asked follow up questions, you never took a genuine interest. I thought you kept writing letters because it was the polite thing to do and rehab was boring and eventually you'd find something else to entertain you and they'd stop all together."

"You were wrong," Craig spit. "You were wrong about what I thought, what I did, who I was. You don't know me at all, Ellie. I thought about you **everyday**. I thought about your hair, your eyes, your encouraging words. I loved you more than anythign else in my life. Your words, your memory…it's what got me sober." He stood up abruptly, "I'm leaving in ten minutes."

Emma sighed and pulled me into her, "It's going to be okay. I mean…he was gone from your life for three years…he…he has to readjust, to learn you all over again. Parts of it are going to hurt…but it'll be okay eventually."

I wiped the tears from my eyes, "He has to get over himself. I'm telling him about the hardest thing I've ever been through and he still manages to make it all about his pain? He's ridiculous…I don't know how you put up with him."

"I'll grab the bill and meet you outside," Emma said in response.

"I'm not going out there without you," I whispered.

"Yes, you are. Don't drag this out. Don't let him drag this out. For God's sake, you haven't even gotten to the part where Jay—"

"Yeah, I get it…" I walked outside and saw Craig leaning against the car, cigarette in hand, "Emma will kill you if she sees you smoking."

"Good, if I'm dead I don't have to deal with you."

"Quit acting like a child, Craig."

He scoffed, "Christ, is there anything about me that doesn't repulse you."

"At this particular moment, or in general?"

"Screw you, Ellie."

"Haven't you done that enough, Craig? Screwed me and screwed me over…time and time again. You're pissed that I have such a low standard for you. But you aren't mad at yourself for meeting it for all those years? That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?"

"Who says I'm not mad at myself? Huh? What do you know about it?"

"I know what you tell me, Craig. That's all, no more, no less. How is it you still manage to make everyone else's pain about you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he shouted throwing the cigarette onto the floor and stomping over to me.

"Exactly what it sounds like, asshole. This isn't about your feelings…it's about me and Jimmy and…God…the most horrific experience of my life."

"So Jimmy got sick…he got better? What's so horrific about that? What? You couldn't make a baby together? The marriage fell apart because you couldn't conceive? Please, Ellie, break my heart some more."

I looked at him, tears falling down my face recklessly then turned away abruptly. I couldn't handle the contempt I saw, "He died."

Craig froze and I felt him soften, "What? Who? The baby? Jimmy?"

"Both," came my stiffled reply.

"_What do you mean he's not going to make it?" Ellie asked standing from her chair._

"_Your husband contracted neurocysticercosis_ _a year ago."_

"_Yes, I'm aware. But they said that he was going to be fine."_

"_The pills they gave him to kill the parasites restrict the vessels in the brain. That's how they kill the larvae; it suffocates them."_

"_I don't understand. What does this have to do with the vomiting? I—he said it was just the stomach flu."_

"_The vomiting was a symptom of the seizures."_

"_Seizures?"_

"_Yes. The seizures were a symptom of the strokes."_

"_What? Strokes? You mean—oh God."_

"_There were a series of small clots in his body. Who knows how they got to the brain. It's most likely that they originated in his legs; paralysis in the legs often triggers something called P.A.D. Peripheral Artery Disease. He was prescribed a blood thinner but it probably made him weak. You two were trying to conceive, yes?"_

_Ellie nodded slowly, "I—he wouldn't go off his meds."_

"_I'm sorry…but he did. The clots were probably small enough to pass through the rest of his bloodstream but because of the restriction in the brain's vessels, too large to move on. He had a series of minor strokes then, one large one. That was the seizing you witnessed down in the ER. The MRI showed a substantial amount of brain death. It isn't likely that he'll wake up. If he does…he won't be able to communicate. It'll just…I'm sorry to say that it's actually better if he doesn't wake up at this point."_

_Ellie looked at the doctor with cold eyes, "You're saying he's dying? Absolutely?"_

"_Yes. I'm sending a nurse down within the hour to discuss palliative care. I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could do." The doctor turned to leave and Ellie stopped him._

"_Dr. Gunther?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_His father works here…the 9th floor. Dr. Brooks…will you tell him?"_

"_Of course."_

_As soon as the doctor left Ellie began to call their friends. "Hazel, I understand wanting to be here. But really…all there is to do is wait. I'm not going to stop you from coming. But he won't be able to tell."_

"_I'm coming as much for you as I am for him, Ellie…"_

"_Okay…yeah…okay."_

_Marco she didn't even debate with just smiled sullenly and said, "Okay, I'll see you in an hour." Emma would fly up as soon as possible. She was still tending to Craig's apartment but she said she could find someone else to water the plants while she was gone. "You selfish bastard," she muttered brushing her fingers across his forehead. "How dare you make the possibility of a child more important than yourself. How dare you make this choice without me. If you had—if you had told me I would've known what to watch for. I would've known what was happening, what to tell them to treat. You'd still be here." She cried climbing into the hospital bed with him, "How could you leave me like this…"_

"_If he had told you, you would've stopped trying to conceive," a voice said from the doorway._

"_Dr. Brooks?"_

"_Yes…I'm sorry Eleanor."_

"_It isn't your fault."_

"_It isn't your either."_

_For the first time since she had met Jimmy's father she looked at him with something other than hate, "It is…I…I pushed him. The doctor said so herself. If he hadn't been so pressured to conceive—"_

"_Ellie, he chose this. He chose this way to die over any of the other options. That's all…he wanted your baby, he chose this. He knew the risks and he decided you were worth it. He didn't ask your opinion; he didn't give you a choice. He was truly selfish in this moment. But it was one of his few, wasn't it?" Dr. Brooks said with a heartbreaking sigh. "He was so gentle and forgiving…so in love with the world."_

_They sat together in the room reminscing until Marco and Hazel showed up, "Are you okay, babygirl?" Marco asked pulling her into a hug._

"_No…no…the nurse was here from the hospice. They're gonna do everything they can to make him comfortable. They started morphine…I—I think I'm going to throw up," as she said this she rushedherself into the bathroom. _

_When she made her way back out Hazel was talking, "—the best presents for Jamie. He loved those girls like they were his own."_

_Ellie laughed hollowly, "So, you mean more than he loved himself, then."_

"_Ella, you're okay, right?"_

"_Yeah…just sick to my stomach over all of this. I'm so disgusted by his choices and yet…I love him so much." She broke down, "I love him so much." Hazel rocked the smaller girl in her arms as she cried, "Thank you for coming, Hazel. Thank you…"_

"I'm so incerdibly sorry, Ellie…I was being such an ass."

"Yes you were. In a classic Craig move. But, go ahead. I know you're chopping at the bits to ask: why didn't Emma tell you when she was leaving? It's simple…I told her not to. I didn't want you to take time out of rehab and have one of your classic meltdowns. I didn't want you to have to start all over **again** with the program."

"I understand. I do…I just…wish I could've been there…for you, for Jimmy, for Emma, for Marco…I wish I had been better than what I was then."

"There were enough people there I didn't know…didn't need. Everyone came out of the woodwork."

"_Ellie? Are you okay? You look pale?"_

"_Marco? Get Emma…I…I can't believe this."_

"_What? What is it? Tell me?"_

"_Come on, you don't already know? The vomiting, the irritability…"_

"_That could be anything…you just lost your husband."_

"_It's not **anything**. Jimmy's stupid plan worked; I'm pregnant."_

_Marco rushed down the stairs sending Emma up. She pushed the door open and climbed onto the bed with Ellie, "Sweetie, you can't be sure until you take a test…"_

"_Then I'll take one. There are boxes under the sink. But I don't need it, Emma. I know I'm pregnant."_

_The test confirmed it and Ellie sat back on the rocking chair in her living room just staring at her friends, "I can't decide if this is a blessing or not. I have a piece of him now…but, on the other hand, I have a reminder of what I lost…I—I don't know what to do. The baby…this was all for him. Before it's too late, he said."_

"_The best things in life are always too late," Marco whispered._

"_It's not fair," Ellie cried, "I needed him."_

"Ellie, maybe you want to tak a break," Emma suggested wrapping her arm around me.

"No, if I stop now I'll never get it out. I—Craig, are you still listening?"

"Yes, Ellie. God…I couldn't block this out if I tried."

"Your compassion is inspiring," I bit throwing the wrapper from my hamburger at his head.

The car swerved as he ducked, "Do we see how throwing things at the driver is not a good idea? Ellie…we're ten minutes out of the city. Are you even going to be up for a night on the town when we get there?"

I shrugged and ran my fingers through my hair, "Nothing could cheer me up more than broadway and shopping. If you're still promising broadway and shopping, I'll make it through. I mean…I survive well enough."

"Okay…but even the slightest feeling that you want to bow out we do so. I'll scalp the tickets and we'll try again later, okay?"

"Okay. So…I was definitely pregnant. I wanted to just stay in the house and greive but I knew I had to get back to work. I was two months along and soon enough there would be a baby to care for. Emma stuck around and made sure I did all the normal things, eating, sleeping, showering. It got pretty quiet for a while. Then I started having these dreams. Jimmy and I would be sitting on the couch and he would turn to me and say what he'd said that first week he moved in, "I always knew it would be like this: you and me 'til the very end." I couldn't sleep through the night. And Dr. Brooks stumbled upon the drawing books he'd kept through the years. They were full of pictures of me, us, our old school gang, him and Ashley from that year they were together. He drew everything. Then there were these beautiful sketches of a babies.

I began to feel like I was whole again, like Jimmy really was there in spirit and I could get through it all. Because I had this piece of him. I felt like I was finally coming out of the other end of it. Then I lost the baby. The doctors said it was to be expected, all the stress I had endured, all of the turmoil…but still, I had lost the last string connecting me to Jimmy. I went to his gravesite and…and I just lost it. I started screaming at God about how selfish He was being. I couldn't believe God had the nerve to take my husband, my best friend, and the only memory I had left of him.

Jay—Jay was at the cemetery too. He was planting flowers at his sister's grave. I remember that he walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to beat the hell out of him but I couldn't. He pulled me to him and let me cry."

**Author's Note (Part 2): Congratulations to anyone who made it through that all in one sitting. I promise that will (probably) be the saddest chapter ever. Also, I have no medical knowledge at all so I just put pulled some stuff together. The brain tapeworms were from an VERY scary lecture my nuitrition professor once taught on pork. And my mother died from small vessel disease and undiagnosed TNAs. So I just found a way I could throw them together. Hand to God, I will never kill Jimmy again. It just hurts too much. (Okay, secretly I enjoyed it. But only because of my love for angst...sigh.)**


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry this update took so long. I was having a hard time getting into Craig's head for this chapter. I didn't want to back him into a corner: "the addict", "the adulterer", "the overall jackass." Somewhere, inside this story is Craig's softer, abused-puppy side...and I WILL find it...eventually.

Craig pulled over to the side of the road and switched seats with Emma. He curled his legs up over my own, "Ellie, Ellie, it's okay," in my ear over and over again.

Moments later he found himself being pushed away, "No, Craig, stop. Go away."

"Ellie?" he questioned turning into her even harder, "Stop. STOP!" he shouted as she clawed at him.

I looked down at where bright red flesh was raising angrily at me and flattened my palms against his forearms. "I don't want…I don't want to be one of _those _girls."

"What girls?" he asked letting me back into the other window.

"Your girls…that fall apart without you and let you piece them back together like nothing has changed. Everything has changed, Craig. You don't even know me anymore."

"And whose fault is that?" he asked mouth bending downwards in anger.

"Yours. You could spend every day with me for the next thirty years and you still won't know me like you SHOULD and it will still be your fault. Pull over, Em. Pull over."

Emma glided the car over to the shoulder as I pushed the door open and threw up my lunch. She gasped and turned back to me, "Nora, you need some water?" Even as she asked she was headed towards the trunk to get me a bottle of seltzer water.

I nodded and looked over my shoulder at Craig. He moved himself over and began rubbing my back, "You loved Jimmy?"

"Do you really need her to answer that? Out loud? Does this have to be about you?"

"It's not about me, Emma. If you loved Jimmy, Ella…and I know you did…then you have to look at this in the bigger picture. Jimmy didn't want to tie you to him…ever, Ellie. He always wanted you to be able to live. Of course his first choice was to let you live with him, that would be _anyone's _first choice…you're a remarkable woman. But he wouldn't want you to let this ruin your life. You know I'm right…everything Jimmy did was his life was to teach others not to give up theirs. Jimmy was a part of you. A huge part, and most of that part died,yes."

"You're helping, really Craig. I feel loads better already," I snapped.

"Remember that purple and blue print he made Sophomore year of college? The one that sold at his show for more money than God? It had those golden bullets with the words written on them? The wall piece? "Parts of us die, and it's sad. But those parts have to die so we can continue to grow. That's the process of life. And everyday that we're alive, we owe it to ourselves to grow, and laugh, and live until it hurts. And then, years from now, we will be able see that part of us didn't die, it just changed…became part of a larger, better us." You have to remember that."

"I remember the print."

"Remember the words. You're never going to forget him, Ellie. He is always going to be inside of you…hell, he'll be inside all of us. Jimmy Brooks changed the world."

He starts to rock me softly and I let him. Later, while the three of us are riding a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park he turns to Emma, "So Jay walked Ellie home and, what? You took one look at his totally ripped abs and had to have him?"

Emma laughed; it was a hollow sound, "I wish it were that easy."

"None of the good things come easy," Craig whispered. It follows Emma's words…but he is looking at me. I shivered as he continued, "True love requires war and heartache."

"So we're authentic then," Emma laughed grabbing my hand, "we have Craig's stamp of approval."

I put my head on her shoulder, "Do you think it gets easier? Or is great love always hard to maintain?"

She pressed her lips to my forehead, "Hard. Always. We laugh, we make love, we move on…but we never forget. We never forgive. I'll always hate him for what he did to me. And he'll always hate me for what I did to him."

"That's not true," Craig mumbled turning towards us, "it can't be."

After the show we headed back to the car, tired and worn. My head hurt from all the tears and I could see the same defeat on everyone else. Back at the hotel Emma's words with Jay are tense. I try not to let her see me listening, but it's obvious, "We change; it's a condition of life. If we don't keep up we'll lose eachother." She doesn't say, "Again," but I can tell she's thinking it.

I don't get to hear Jay's response because Craig is poking me in the shoulder, "Give her privacy, Nash."

"If she wanted privacy she'd have gone into the bathroom, Manning."

"What do you want me to say, Jay? I am his friend and if he needs me I'm going to be there. Just like I'm here for Ellie and Craig and Alex…just like I'm here for Melanie and Shoop…people depend on me…I'm not going to talk about it again."

"What do you think they're fighting about?" Craig asked laying down behind me.

"Sean."

"What? Because of the story?"

"No, because of the voicemail I got this morning. Tracker was in a car accident."

"This morning? Before we left the hotel?"

"You think she brought up the Sean thing randomly? Because of your Manny thing? She wanted to give you a heads up. Sean'll be coming down here soon. Probably this weekend."

"No one thought to ask me?"

"You'd say no, shocker…you hate him."

"He hurt you."

"So did you…"

"I hate me too."

I arched my eyebrows, "That's not healthy, Mr. Manning."

"Don't call me that…Mr. Manning was an abusive jackass."

"Too bad he didn't know about the mood-altering drugs."

"You've turned into a real bitch, you know."

I squinted alittle at his words, "I had heard that…but then, I'd also heard I was sleeping with some famous rockstar type." I looked up to see Emma walking out of the room, cell phone in hand. "Look at that, make your own privacy."

"Ellie, what Manny did was horrible. But…you were, at one point, sleeping with me while I was with her."

"Not while I was with Sean."

"Right, so it's less horrible because only one of us was in another relationship."

"That's what Dr. Phil says."

"Right, Jay, this visit is definitely about the sex. See our MARRIAGE VOWS just aren't working out for me."

Craig looked over to the door just as Emma slammed her way back in, "Sean can't stay with us."

"I agree," Craig smirked, "I don't want anything to come between you and Jay."

I rolled my eyes, "You already told him he could go to Philadelphia with us. He can't afford to fly there and the driving schedule fit perfectly. Let me talk to Jay."

Emma handed the phone over, "Jay…look, I get that you don't like him much. But he isn't coming to be with Emma. Besides, you knew you'd eventually have to let them be together without you again. She loves **you**. Trust me, I have to hear about it all the time…in explicit detail…would it make you feel better if I told you I'll sleep with him? Personally. I mean, it'd be a sacrifice but, if it would ease your concerns about his soothe-seeking sexcapades, I'm always willing to help a friend."

"Golden gem, you are," Craig snickered frowning into his pillow.

"Right then, he'll drive the thirty and what hours with us. I'll be in charge of cheering him up, Emma will only ever wear your old baggy t-shirts and say things like, "Jay is my Lord and Master." I'd call it a win-win…right so no "Jay is my Lord and Master," but no free thought either…I'm taking notes right now. What all is she _allowed _to do while Sean's with us? Mhm…I was just having this conversation with Craig. Really, I've always been a bitch, secretly…I was just hiding it from you all so you'd vote me prom queen…yeah, yeah, here's your girl."

Emma mouthed thank you to me while she took the phone back. He said soemthing that made her laugh and and smiled at Craig as I sat back down on his bed, "So, you and Cameron want to share a bed?"

"Cameron and Hogart can—"

"Did you not just hear me promise Jay she wouldn't?"

"See, I thought he was refering to the sleeping done naked and breathless."

"These are the options: you and him, me and him."

"You did this on purpose."

"For what purpose?"

"You know I hate him."

"Yes, because he hurt me. You know what's funny? He hates you too. Because, and I quote, _you_ hurt _me_ worse."

"That **is** funny. Notice the laughing I'm doing on the inside. Is that true? I hurt you worse?"

"Now isn't that kind of like admitting I loved you more than him?"

"It's exactly like admitting you love me more. Now get to it."

"You did…hurt me worse. I loved you more back then. You tore me into millions of pieces…and Sean had all of that to pick up after when he decided he loved me—"

"He loved you…just not when you were broken? Just you, whole, rising from the depths."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You moved in with him to escape the bad…to get better. And then, once you were…he ditched you. After Jimmy? Same thing. You, the dove with the broken wing. He nursed you back to health and then he took off again. He didn't need you, he just needed to be the hero."

I stared back at his blank eyes, "What is it inside of you that makes you say things like that to people? People you're supposed to care about."

"It's the truth."

"So what? You don't need to tell every truth every moment. How fucked up are you that you have to see everyone else's pain too."

We stared at eachother for what seemed like hours. "I don't want to fight with you."

"You have to. There's too much between us." I whispered finally looking away.

"What does that mean? What does that even mean, Ellie?"

"It means my wounds…from you…they're too fresh to go digging back into. I don't want to end up hating you."

"So, it's all set, Sean will be joining us Friday," Emma said walking out of the bathroom and tossing the phone onto the bed.

"No one even asked me," Craig pointed out once again.

"You said I could invite anyone I wanted to join us for a few days, any time. You think I don't remember that?"

"Sean Cameron doesn't count."

"Why? Because Ellie loves him?"

Craig's eyes went dark like coal, "No."

"Right," Emma said, "I forgot how well adjusted you are. You aren't going to have nightmares about her getting back together with him before she even gives you a chance to explain."

"What gives, Em? I thought we were friends."

"We are. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you take out your personal shit on Sean."

"Ellie…can you take a walk or something?" Craig asked turning to me.

I looked back and forth between them both, "Seriously? You're kicking me out of the room so you can talk about me and Sean?"

Emma sighed, "Nora…this is about him, not you or Sean…"

I shook my head in disbelief, "Fine. You get ten minutes. Then I don't care what I walk in on."

As soon as they heard my footsteps fade away Craig spoke up, "Sean Cameron is the reason I'm not with Ellie today."

"That's ludacris. Of all the problems, drugs, Manny, Jesse, Jimmy, Brittany, et all, you can't pick Cameron out of the mix and pin it all on him."

"I was stopping the drugs…for her. I was leaving Manny, for her. And those other girls…they…they meant nothing."

"Ellie thought so too. Until Manny's book came out and she had photographic evidence that Ellie was just one of the women you were extramarrital affairing. It's like you were cheating on her too…because if it was just Ellie then, yeah, you had a reason. Manny had duped you into the marriage and, of course you really loved Ellie. Instead, she came off looking like just another bimbo…another girl Craig picked up and dropped off in the name of rock."

"She wasn't…not any of that."

"How is she supposed to know? You lied to her, Craig. About the drugs, about the other women. The last time you two slept together, you were high. Did you think she wouldn't find out?"

"I—I don't know. How did she find out?"

"Well, aside from reading Manny's book and, I don't know, being able to DO MATH, there's the fact that you admitted it. In one of your letters from rehab. The only time you were EVER honest with her about it."

"I didn't want to hurt her."

"No, you didn't want to hurt her so much that she left you alone. There's a difference. YOU are the reason she isn't with you today. And until you admit that, until you act on that knowledge, she never will be."

Craig stared back at her silently but Emma's determination didn't break. When I walked back into the room they were both sitting on opposites sides of the bed staring eachother down. "This is why I had to leave the room? So you could stare bitterly at eachother and NOT talk about me?"

Emma just stood up and walked over to her bag, "I'm going swimming. In the pool. For an hour." She didn't say anything else but Craig's response told me there were words I hadn't heard.

As she left Craig went to the window and opened his guitar case. He sat the guitar on his lap but didn't move to play. I looked him over intensely, "Play me something?"

"What do you want to hear?"

"Got anything new?"

"No…I don't…I don't write anymore."

"What? You have such a gift—"

"I've done it all…rock, pop, jazz, emo, blues…there's nothing left."

"So invent. Or…reinvent."

"I meant the music inside of me."

I blinked a few times and frowned at him in confusion, "The music inside of you is dead?"

He laughed, mirthlessly, "I think it ODed."

I pushed my hand through the hair by his ear, "Craig…the drugs…how'd you start?"

"I don't know…it just happened, Ellie."

"Before or after you went off your meds?"

"Thousands of people are misdiagnosed bipolar each year."

"You weren't one of them. Stop avoiding the question."

"Why? Because if it was before I stopped my meds I delibrately chose to hurt you and if it was after, then I didn't know what I was doing?"

I narrowed my eyes at him but didn't answer.

"Do us both a favor, Ellie, forgive me either way."

"No."

"Oh, for fuck's sake…"

"What, Craig? What now? Just tell me. Were the drugs fucking with your mood stabilizers or were the mood stabilizers fucking with your highs?"

"They're all drugs, Eleanor. Or didn't you get that far into the thought process when you were laying awake at night wondering when my next letter would come."

"Craig, I never wondered when the next letter would come. I only worried that it wouldn't come at all. Instead, I'd just get some random phone call in the middle of the night from Manny…or someone even less interested in hearing my voice…saying "He's gone. Just wanted to let you know before the story broke." I—nevermind."

"No, say it. Don't go soft now."

"I want to know why, Craig. I have to. It's the only way I'm going to be able to forgive you."

"Why what? Manny?"

"That too, someday. But let's tackle the myriad of illegal substances first."

"At first, the amphetamines…they were just to keep me up, you know. For shows, for parties…for avoiding Manny by being a million places other than at home, with my wife. Then…I don't know…this guy said there was something that could make all the staying awake more fun."

"But why? I mean…you know how I feel about drugs. YOU AGREED WITH ME…for so long."

"You weren't there. You didn't see how…empty everything was. I missed you."

"Don't put it on me, Craig. That's not fair."

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying…it hit me, one day, that everything I loved was in Toronto and I was chasing shadows through the States with a woman I couldn't stand. I thought, maybe, if I pushed hard enough…I could learn to love what I had. Or…at least forget I didn't love it."

"Instead you lied to, manipulated, and hurt the EVERYTHINGS you DID LOVE? Does that make sense to you?"

"Not now…but it did. It did then. I was depressed."

"So, after the meds…"

"No…but…the stabilizers…that's all they do, stabilize…they aren't a cure all. There are still highs and lows…"

"And instead of talking about it you decided to chemically alter it?"

"I TRIED TALKING ABOUT IT. All anyone ever said was "Then come home." I couldn't…I couldn't."

"Why the hell not? Did you ever think that maybe we KNEW you wouldn't get the help you needed where you were?"

"I did…I did think that…that night in Kansas. When you were…when I was…under you. And you…were crying…"

"_Ellie," Craig gasped lifting his hips off the mattress in a slow circular motion, "What are you doing?"_

_Ellie pulled her mouth away from his hip bone just long enough to answer, "Marking you."_

"_You—oh, God…stop…Manny will—"_

"_Forget Manny! She doesn't make you feel like this. You know why?" Ellie asked positioning herself eye level with Craig._

_He moaned and reached out to touch her and she carefully nipped at his hand before pinning it back to the bed, "Because she CAN'T, Craig…she can't." Ellie lowered herself back onto his torso and looked over at the clock on the wall._

"_Elle? What is it? Where are you right now?"_

"_You're…you're never gonna leave her, are you?" Ellie asked moving with a start towards the wall._

_He put his hand on her thigh to stop her, "Elle…please, don't do this." She turned back towards him and he saw tears on her face, "You're crying? Oh, Ellie…"_

_She brushed at his fingers until they fell away from her. Then, gathering her clothes in her arms she clicked the bathroom door shut. Moments later he was there, knocking, "Ellie…open up."_

"_Craig, it's over…it's done. Let it go."_

"_What's over? Are you…are you leaving?"_

"_One of us has to…"_

"_No…not YOU. I'll—I'll talk to Manny."_

_She laughed as she opened the door. He eyed her body; she looked extremely well-put-together for three minutes after tearfully interrupted sex. "Yes, you will. And when the conversation is over you'll both have decided you REALLY love eachother and you're going to try to work things out. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been around the block."_

"_Yeah, with my bass player. I remember."_

_She reached out quickly with her hand and he expected to feel the slap. Instead, her hand stopped suddenly and landed against his cheek softly, "I will love you, always,"_

"So what changed, Craig? What made you decide Toronto WASN'T the place for you?"

"You left."

"Oh, of course, that makes perfect sense. Forget the fact that you had been cheating on your WIFE with me for five months at that point…"

"Oh please, I've been cheating on Manny with you since highschool…we just never knew."

"Are you serioues with that line? My God…are you high right now?"

"You're being a bitch."

"The affair had to stop. You know that, Craig. Even if you hated Manny, even if you loved me, even if you were too coked out to know it then…you know it now. If we were every going to…it had to stop."

"If we were ever going to what, Elle?"

I shut my eyes at the sound, "Don't call me that; you know I hate it."

"You don't…you used to like it."

"No, I used to tolerate it when I was young and stupid and thought life's secrets were in getting you to fuck me hard. Turns out, the secrets are hiding elsewhere."

"Fine, Eleanor…If we were ever going to what?"

"Move past it. If we were ever going to get on with our lives, it had to stop."

"That's not what you were going to say."

"I promise you, it is. No doubt I wanted to get on with my life WITH you. But, either way…I knew…the second you pushed me off of you…we would have to lose eachother to find our way back again."

Craig blinked, then scowled. Then he stood abruptly, dropping his guitar onto the bed with a thud, "Then why are you so fucking pissed off now, huh? This was all part of your **plan.** Fuck. FUCK YOU, ELLIE! How long have you been manipulating me? Huh? Since highschool? What the fuck was with that stupid, "This isn't me" bullshit anyway? Did you just KNOW that was how to get to me? Give me the false hope that someone thought I was worth changing for?"

I closed my eyes to his hurtful diatribes, "I wasn't manipulating you. I—"

"Sure you were. You left me, hickeys on my hipbones, my torso, inner thighs. No way my wife wouldn't notice SOMETHING. And then, I'd have to lie to her. Name some other girl that wasn't as important to you. Thus proving your point. Thus forcing me to think about the one that got away every.fucking.second. Of everyday."

"Oh, SORRY, Craig…didn't mean to turn your world upside by saying, "No," to your manwhore ways."

"Well, it certainly backfired on you. You know why Manny hated you so much? The one thing she never wrote about in her book? The girls…all of them…they were all redheads. They were all scarred…physically…they were…as close to you as someone else could be."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Or just guilty, Craig? Tell me so I know how to react. Because I don't think blind rage is what you were going for. Just…tell me something Craig…was it really a manipulation? I mean…just look around. I—I HAVE changed…not all for the better, but if you ask around, the consensus would probably be that at least part of it was for you. You're the one that doesn't change. God, your parents really did a number on you; you wouldn't leave your wife, who didn't love you, who was practically married to your manager for a good three years of YOUR marriage because you were afraid to be your mother…giving up when things got tough. And the other half of the time you're smiling sweetly at your loved ones saying, "I won't hurt you again. It was a mistake. I love you," just like dear old dad. Tell me, does begging for forgiveness ever get old? Do you ever consider becoming a better person so there's less to forgive?"

I watched the facial ticks in his face while I spoke to him. I stepped away from him because he looked like he was about to lose it. Instead, he bit back, "Well, it's good to see you didn't inherit your mother's inability cope or, I don't know, to trust anyone or how about your father's willingness to hide…to **cut **out when the going gets tough." I caught the double meaning…I bit my tongue so hard I could taste blood. Game. Set. And match. "Tell me, Eleanor, who will your hurt next? When I stop being your whipping boy? When you run out of ways to hurt yourself? How will you get that steady dose of destruction and chaos you've learned to depend on?"

**So, what do you think? Where do they go from here?**


	6. Chapter 6

I got no reviews for the last chapter. Was that just because it was bad? Also, readership is dwindling. I hate those types that beg for reviews. But at the same time, I'm taking time out of my day to sit down and think about this story. So…I'd appreciate knowing what people think about it. If there's something you don't like and I can fix for you, let me know. Characters you like to see touched upon, storylines revisited…sometimes I have trouble thinking about where to go next so, giving me ideas _will_ definitely move the story along faster. Okay, thus ends the desperate-author portion of the post.

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I wish I could say our fight ended abruptly, both of us sulking back to our corners. But it didn't. That's the danger of saying things you mean: there's no apology. Craig didn't love me…he just wanted to. There's a big difference. He had loved me once. Fiercly, recklessly, in a way that made me feel safe at every possible turn. But, things change. People change. He and I had changed without eachother…and it showed.

"Emma, I can't do this. Get him out of my car. NOW!"

"Craig, it's six more hours."

"I'm going to kill him in three minutes. We don't have hours. Look at him…he's all over her."

"He's asleep!"

"On her lap, Emma!"

"She's not yours, Craig."

"She should be…"

"Yeah? You ever tell her that?"

"She says I don't know her like I should."

"You don't."

"She says I don't really love her…just WANT to…whatever that means."

"You don't agree?"

"I love her."

"Her now, or the her you remember from highschool?"

"They're a little bit the same. Not completely…but who she was makes her who she is and I love them both."

"**She** can hear you," I shot from the backseat.

"I thought you were sleeping. With loverboy."

"Don't get an attitude, Craig. I'm so sick of this jealous thing you have going on. Sean's going through something really hard right now."

"Aren't we all? Isn't that why we're all here? Sean…he isn't special…none of us are."

We were all silent are his realization and moments later he turned the stereo on to drown out the silence. Emma started laughing as she realized it was one of Craig's songs.

"_I'm a jumble of knots in my mismatched socks._

_I miss your stupid laugh, your doubtful looks_

_your scratchy voice and level head. _

_I miss the stupid things you said. _

_And I miss the way you let me be wrong just to pass the time."_

"Turn it off," Craig said bitterly refusing to glance away from the road.

"This is one of my favorites," Emma said looking over at him.

"Turn it off, Emma," he repeated darting his eyes over to her.

She studied his face intently, "Are you…are you crying?" she whispered reaching to the stereo and turning it off.

"God, Craig, it's been three years…she was a bitch…it's time to let her go," I spoke up from the backseat.

Sean stirred as my angry words flew threw the air. His eyes opened and and sat up groggily, "What's going on?"

"The song wasn't about Manny," Craig bit eyeing her through the rearview mirror.

"Sure it was. That's what you said on your MTV interview. You wrote it when Manny went on that self-discovery trip to the Phillipines."

"I lied. Shocker, huh. The thing about being famous is you have to say things that keep you famous. No one wants to hear that you barely even think of your wife on a regular basis. No one wants to hear that all your love songs are about a woman you hardly see…a woman that is clearly in love with another man." He had pulled over to the shoulder during his little speech and was angrily pounding at the steering wheel while he screamed his explanation at the other passangers. "Damnit," he spit throwing open the door, "don't you get it? It's always been you."

I watched as he slammed the door shut. "Well, that was…fun," Sean mumbled sarcastically.

"Anyone wanna go see if he's okay?" Emma asked.

"You brought it up…sounds like volunteering to me," I whispered.

"Ellie, it isn't me he wants to go out there."

Craig's foot slammed against the tire and the entire van shook, "I can fucking here you. Just. Let me cool down."

I moved towards the door, "No, Craig. You're acting like you're the only one that gets upset." I climbed out of the door and shut it behind me, "You're acting like you're the only person that our relationship ever claimed as a casuality. Which is really fucking hilarious because I can name SEVERAL others. The least of whom was Manny Santos."

His eyes turned to coal, "She was never a victim."

"Extramarritial affair. You know what those words mean? Why did you even marry her if you loved me so much?"

Emma's window rolled down and she leaned her head out, "Get back in the car. Now's not the time."

"When is the time then, Em?" I asked running my hand through my hair.

"In Philadelphia you two can bicker all you want. But…until we get Sean to Tracker's hospital bed, let's just stay focused on the task at hand."

We both looked at her, completely resigned. "Craig," I started, "I loved you too. I…I love you too, okay. But it's not that simple…"

He nodded at my words, "I know. And I'm sorry…because there was a time when it was. And I ruined that."

Twenty minutes later things had returned to status quo. Emma and I talking, Craig and Sean inserting random comments, snarking at eachother at every possible turn. "Remember the ski trip in Banff?" I asked digging through my bag for my photo album.

"Yes! That was the first successful trip with Sean AND Jay," Emma laughed.

"So after the swappage?" Craig asked tactlessly.

"You're senstive…chicks dig that," Sean bit

"You would know. You're all about what chicks dig. Fast cars, that bad boy exterior, just feed them that line about wanting to get out of the trailor park, right? Total panty peeler."

"Fuck off, Manning."

"Great come back…probably shouldn't have dropped out of college if you wanted to play with the big boys, Cameron."

"REMEMBER WHEN YOU TWO WERE FRIENDS?" Emma asked loudly looking back and forth between them sharply. "He got you out of your dad's hell-house. You guys hijacked a car…"

"Yeah, Sean Cameron always brings out the hardened criminal in people. We'll have them put that on your tombstone."

"Oh yeah? What are they going to put on yours, "No, I get it now: you're the only one for me. It's always been you." I'm sure there are girls out there you **haven't **used that line on…and I wouldn't want them to miss out."

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This one is short because it is filler. And I had to play-up the Craig-Sean hatred. Next chapter will conclude the Jay-Emma break up flashbacks. It will also have some JT plot lines and we'll meet the girl Sean has chosen to settle down with.


	7. Chapter 7

So, thanks everyone for the reviews. I want to mention that I have big, HUGE, **COLOSSAL**, plans for Manny's character. Who will actually join the cast of characters via flashbacks soon. And you can all look forward to more of my oh-so-pathetic attempts at songwriting because when they crew hits Philly next chapter, there will be open mic nights and angst. And someone will be stealing Craig's guitar and spiting out the words, "Well you aren't using it, hot shot."

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Eventually Sean ran out of spiteful things to say, "Look Craig, I loved them too."

I saw the question in his eyes before he asked it, "Them?"

"Ellie. Emma. I…I still do."

"I know you still do. That's why Jay doesn't want you within fifty yards of Emma these days and I…I would never choose to leave you alone with Ellie. Such an intense love, yours is, full of infidelity and abandonment."

Sean trained his eyes on Emma until she spoke up, "Fine, Sean."

Sean shook his head, "No, Em…"

"Why not…look, Craig, it's not Sean that Jay doesn't trust. It's me. And it isn't about the sex. It's about the lies I told him."

"About Sean?"

"Sure, about Sean. And about Peter, about my father, you, Manny, about everything. It's about Sean knowing me better than Jay does and Jay not being able to get over it."

"You lied to Jay about—"

"For a while. A long while…until he figured it out."

"_Emma, what's wrong with this house?"_

"_Nothing. It's perfect. I just…you're shipping out in six months. I don't want to settle down with you just in time to say good-bye. Let's just keep the apartment a while longer."_

"_That lease is going to be up."_

"_After you leave."_

"_You still won't have anywhere to live, Em."_

"_I'll go stay with Ellie. Or Craig. Or…Alex and Kayla, they just bought a place."_

"_Yeah, they did. Because they're growing up, settling down together, you know. What married people do."_

"_I don't want to live in this stupid house all by myself, Jay. Christ."_

"_Why are you less alone with Craig or Ellie?"_

_Emma shrugged her shoulders and blinked slowly, "I'm comfortable with my friends around, that's all."_

"_I understand Ellie…she's always been there for you. But Craig…he was so selfish for so long. At yet you sacrificed your relationship with Manny for him? Why?"_

"_I didn't sacrifice anything. Manny and I are still friends. That marriage. That marriage was awful for both of them. They both made the same mistake and they both didn't have the guts to get out of it. Am I pissed at her for breaking up Ellie and Sean with all the garbage? Yes, of course. But we forgive, we move on…or at least, most of us do."_

"_Subtle, Emma."_

"_You forgave Sean. So why do you always throw it back in MY face. Am I somehow more to blame than his was?"_

"_YES. GOD YES. You were my girlfriend. MINE. You have obligations and promises to fulfill. Sean loved you…that was his weakness…and there's nothing I understand more than that. But you…your weakness…was being afraid. Being afraid to love someone. Being afraid to be loved. With all your daddy issues and emotional bullshit I'm surprised **you **didn't end up with Man—ohmyGod."_

_Jay's words ended abruptly and Emma looked up at him with shallow breaths, "What Jay?"_

"_When you went to the States and stayed in his apartment…he was in rehab the whole time?"_

"_You want to talk about that now? A year and a half later? What's gotten into you?"_

"_Just answer the question."_

"_No. He started a month after I got there. He bounced in and out the entire time I was down there."_

"_Did you sleep with him?"_

"_Does it matter?"_

"_That's a yes. And, YES, Emma. It matters. He was in our wedding party. Of course, so was Sean. Was there anyone in our wedding party you haven't slept with? Anyone at the chapel at all?"_

"_It was once, Jay. And it was horrible. I wanted you. Not him. You. He was high and I was high—"_

"_You let him get you high, Emma? What the fuck? I feel like I've been tricked. Tricked into marrying you. You didn't tell me on purpose. Did you think I'd change my mind, Emma?"_

"_Aren't you changing it now?" she whispered scared, broken. She turned away from him and slumped over. "I make mistakes. I've **made **mistakes. It doesn't mean I don't love you."_

"_It's not about sleeping with him. Or…or even the drugs. But…when we first got back together I gave you the opportunity to tell me all these things and you said nothing. I tried to give you a clean slate but it's like…it's like you don't want one."_

"_I don't. My imperfections make me better. My wild, egregious past makes me love you more. I didn't tell you. Because I knew it'd effect the way you look at Craig. But I didn't lie for me, Jay. You are going to love me no matter what. And I know that. And I feel safe here, with you…"_

"_Doesn't it bother you that I don't feel the same?"_

_Emma flinched at his words and moved to get into the car, "It kills me, Jay. KILLS ME. But why…what reason have I ever given you not to believe that I love you unconditionally?"_

_Jay put his hand on her shoulder, not harshly, but firm, "You are never satisfied, Emma. You are always looking for better from the world. From me."_

"_If we're satisfied with life, Jay, we're content…we're bored. Without dreams, aspirations, there's nothing to live for."_

"_What if I'm not good enough? What if one day you wake up and find someone better? Someone that knows you like Sean does, or makes you laugh like Craig. Or, I don't know, can spoil you like Peter did? Can forget your sins the way I haven't?"_

"_You don't know me at all, Jay. Fuck. I DID find someone that knows me, that makes me laugh, that spoils me. You, you idiot. You are all of the **one thing** they gave me rolled into one. And you don't have to forgive me, or forget my sins. Because it means more to me. SO MUCH more, that you don't forget them, and love me anyway. Yeah, I have dreams. Yeah, I want better. But I want better from US. FOR US. I want the best life **we **can have, **together**."_

_She wrapped her arms around his waist and burrowed into his chest and sighed softly, trying to calm herself. Jay moved his hands up and down her back in soothing circles, "I love you, Emma."_

"_I know, that's never been questioned. What has yet to be determined is if you know how I love you."_

"You slept with Craig," Sean asked when Emma was finished with her story.

"You're still friends with Manny?" that was Craig.

"You never told Sean you slept with Craig? Or told Craig you talk to Manny? Bad Emma, bad."

"Ellie," Emma laughed looking back at me, "don't you start too."

"Sorry. It's just nice when they're fighting about something other than me. For a while I didn't think they had anything else to hate eachother for."

"Excuse me, girl talk later. You told ELLIE that you slept with Craig but you didn't tell me? What the hell?"

"I figured you'd get angry. I also figured that, in your anger, you'd tell Jay."

"I would have, to both. But. Jay knew…months ago. So…why still keep it from me?"

"Well, I thought about it. But really, it was nearly two year ago so…I didn't see any reason to bring it up."

"I don't understand. We were. Are. You know how I feel about…" he trailed off reaching his hand out to touch Emma's arm.

"Feel about what? About me?" Craig asked from the driver's seat. :And how's that, Sean? Aww…do I make your heart sing?"

"You make my blood curl, jackass. What did you see in him?"

"He's a good guy, Sean."

"No. He is a cheater, and a liar, and he hurts people just because he can."

"Oh, you never hurt them, Sean? How about when you walked out on both of them after the shooting? How about when you came back and swept Emma off her feet just to leave her again at the first sign of trouble? Did you ever think about how much it hurt Ellie when you jumped into bed with the girl who was, for all intents and purposes, her best friend? For that matter, did you think about how much losing Jay would hurt Emma when you decided to take her out for a romantic evening and woo her pants off?"

"SHE IS THE ONE THAT CAME TO ME THAT NIGHT, CRAIG. Emma was the one spouting grand declarations of love. I should've stopped it, I know that. But I didn't start it. And I certainly didn't take advantage of her."

"Emma isn't. She wouldn't."

"I did, Craig. I did. And I knew Ellie still loved him, and I still loved Jay and I did it anyway. There aren't enough apologies for the mess I made. But I'll keep trying."

"Why? Why would you willingly—knowingly—hurt your friends. Yourself. I don't get it, Em?"

"Of course you do, Craig. You did the same exact thing. That's why I went to the States, to be with you—someone that understood. But then I chickened out. And I couldn't tell you about all my what ifs and the bullshit I put everyone through back home. I…you were fucked up, way fucked up. So I just relished in being the normal one again."

"I tried to fix her. But…it isn't me."

"What? Who are you talking about?" Craig asked, eyes softening at Sean's desperate tone.

"Pick one. You can't go wrong. Neither of them…neither of them would choose me…"

"Sean,"

"No, Ellie…don't. It took me forever, but I'm finally okay with it. Ever since that day at your apartment…the first day Jay came back."

"_Nora, Christ. I was so worried about you," Emma said as the door fell open._

"_I was at the cemetery."_

"_We went there," Sean muttered incredulously._

"_I ran into someone. We went for coffee. And to—"_

"_Ellie, your umbrella," Jay said rushing up the stairs._

"_Jay?" Emma asked backing away from the doorway._

"_You ran into Jay?"_

"_He was visiting his sister's grave. I'm sorry Em…it wasn't anything but friends being there for eachother."_

_Emma nodded but didn't step any closer to the figure in the door._

"_You should come in, Jay," Sean tried bouncing on his feet nervously._

"_I'd rather not…wouldn't want to discourage the Emma/Sean vibe."_

"_We're not together, Jay. You know that. She told you that at the restaurant. Many months ago."_

"_So you aren't bored with life yet?"_

"_It's not like that, Jay. Sean is…he's always there for me when I need him."_

"_Are you kidding me? How many times does he have to walk out on you before you see him for what he truly is?"_

"_He tries, Jay. Which is more than ANYONE has ever been able to say for you."_

_Jay scoffed bitterly and contorted his face, "Then again, how many times are you going to pick him over me before **I** learn? I guess love is just blind."_

"_I don't love him, asshole. Not like that. Not like I love you, or even close, really. Sean was my first love. But he wasn't my best, or my favorite…or my all-consuming passionate, can't-breathe-without-you love."_

"_This is why I hate having female friends," Sean muttered spitefully. When everyone turned to look at him he shot his arms up into a shrug, "Kidding, of course, because this isn't about me right now. And. Um. I can totally see that."_

Sean made eye contact with Emma, then turned back to Ellie, "It's okay that it wasn't me for either of you. Because, out there, somewhere, is a girl that will feel like that for me. And thanks to the two of you, I'll be able to recognize it when it comes."


	8. Chapter 8

I've been trying to work on the story. It's coming in spurts and, so no one gets restless, I'll post as I go. This is Chapter eight, part one. Part two will be along tomorrow and is where it all goes down.

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Craig had adopted a stoney silence after Sean's heartfelt declaration. It didn't matter who was talking or what they were talking about: Craig clearly didn't want to hear it. All he kept thinking about was the four more hours it would take before he could find a cheap place to buy an old car and leave these people behind. These people that were so messed up from being his friends that they couldn't do their jobs anymore. Manny. Emma was still friends with Manny? After the way she paraded his failures in front of him. After the way she had ripped everything he cared about to shreds and set it on fire just to watch it burn. After she had murdered not one, not two, but three of his children because the thought of bringing something that was part-him repulsed her just that much.

The first one, that was highschool. He could understand…because, God, Degrassi was hell. She deserved more than that, some dreams, some normal teenage moments. And the second one? After they were married. They had been trying to get pregnant. Actually actively seeking parenthood until the moment they found out. Then she just freaked out. And he hadn't understood. He had been angry and wanted to leave her. But, in the back of his mind he knew it wasn't the right time for them to have a child. He needed to get over Ellie. He needed to focus on his wife. He needed Manny to stop looking at him like something better was haunting her.

Thinking back, it was the third abortion that ended things. Yes, he had been cheating on her with Ellie. Yes, he had slept with countless other women after Ellie left him. There were rumors Manny was sleeping with his manager. There were always rumors and he tried not to listen. But he would have stayed through everythign else. He would have kept on with the status quo. If not for the thrid abortion. He remembered thinking that really, there was a chance it wasn't even his. But he really didn't care about that. He would love the baby anyway. He remembered thinking that this wouldn't fix anything, would just be more problems, but that this time, they would see something through.

But she couldn't. She was too scared, too non-commital about the whole thing. When she came to him and said, "Craig, I can't fly out with you," he had wanted to know why.

_When she told him about the appointment he said, "The Doctor? For what? You're feeling sick?" _

_And then she had told him. Flat out, no tears, no jagged breaths. It just fell out, like it was easy. And he had fought her, really fought her. But she had made her decision, "Well, that's all well and good. But there's no such thing as paternal rights. So, it's my choice and that's the end of the conversation."_

_He sputtered at the coldness he saw in her eyes then tightened his face, "I'm leaving you."_

"_What? Like a divorce?"_

"_Yes, exactly like a divorce."_

"_It's about time."_

"_What the hell's that supposed to mean? If you wanted out you should have just said so."_

_She scoffed and grabbed her purse, "Were you evern sober when your lawyers drew up the prenup? I barely get half if I choose to dissolve the marriage."_

_He choked on her words, "You think I'm going to hold you to. Take what you want, Manny. You've certainly earned it…taking all that time to be discrete about your lovers. All the while you've got me shoving mine in your face. Asking you to make jokes about our passion…to blush when the reporters ask about marks on my neck that you had nothing to do with. You take my word on this: you can have whatever you want."_

He remembered his words to her with distain. He had told her she could have anything. Everything. That's why the books, the interviews, the woe-is-me sob fest was such bullshit. Because he had offered to ease her pain and she had simply twisted the rings off her finger and said, "I don't want your pity. And I won't let you assuage your guilt. I hope this hurts so bad you can't sleep. I hope this haunts you."

He looked over at Emma who was quietly counting cars as they drove then back at Ellie and Sean. "Well, Manny," he thought, "you got your wish. Consider me haunted."

In Philadelphia, he pulled into the hospital parking lot without a second thought. As Sean moved to jump out of the van Craig stopped him, "Hey. We're at the Hyatt. You know, if you want to crash."

Sean looked bewildered, "Yeah, man. Thanks. I don't—"

"We trusted the wrong people. You're cool by me. I just. Good luck in there."

"Thanks."

They didn't hug or give high fives or anything, because that would just be cliché. But Craig felt better about who he saw in the mirror now so it was all good. As Sean went to close the door Craig shouted out, "Call if you need a ride. Or, you know, a friend."

When Sean had made his way to the hospital doors Craig pulled steadily out of the parking lot. "That was nice of you, Sean," Emma whispered glancing over at him.

"Don't. Don't talk. I'm not in the mood for you tonight."

"What the hell? Rude much?"

"Even less in the mood for you, Nash. Why don't you both just take a silent second and think about where you're going to stash the skeletons once you get them out of the closet."

"Hey, watch it. I had nothing to do with Emma and Manny's friendship. I am exactly as thrilled about it as you are, if not less. So be bitter on your own dime."

"There's a club Marco told me about," Craig trailed off. "I'm going to check it out. It's owned by JT Yorke. Marco went to check it out after he got Yorke's alumni spotlight form back. Said it's a cool place, eclectic. You two can come, or not. I don't care. I can't even begin to stress to you how little I care if either of you are there with me."


	9. Chapter 9

**Finally, right? I agree. So, before I get to the real reason you're all here (ah, the story, right?) let me make a few announcements:**

**1. I'm still not a song writer. **

**2. Jay still hasn't sent Emma a care package. I know, I mean, what the hell? Isn't he supposed to love her?**

**3. I gave cocobuta04 permission to use this story as a catalyst for her own. I'm reading it, and …if you like my story, keep reading. If you like her story, keep reading. I could talk for days over my reasons for this but I'll keep it short: I bring my world into the characters I write, but they aren't my characters…just someone else's with my personal touch. In a sense, they become my characters when I take them down paths Degrassi wouldn't. So, I gave another writer permission to add her personal touch to those characters too. And I CAN'T WAIT to see who they become under her thumb. **

**If anyone has anything to say about this matter specifically I ask that you message me personally instead of spamming my replies section with it. That said, it meant a lot to me that you all defended me when you thought I needed it. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY.**

**4. I desperately need to figure out if I want Craig to confront Ellie about the song immediately or ignore it for a while. (Say, until he gets drunk at, ironically enough, his sobriety party.) YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED (and heavily weighted. Let's just say: winner takes all.)**

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"So…this club Marco told you about…when are we heading out?"

"We? No, I thought I made it perfectly clear that—"

"You said you didn't care if we went. This means you don't care if we're there or not. So, CLEARLY, you won't mind if I tag along."

"Ellie…I just want a night out by myself."

"I know you're thinking about leaving."

"What?"

"You're thinking about ditching us, the whole trip…the journey of a lifetime."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because the thought of Emma holding Manny while she sobbed about how bad you hurt her kills you."

"I'm—"

"I know, Craig. I've been there too. I was there for Emma through everything. And. When I found out she was still hanging with Manny I lost it. I wanted to never talk to her again. I screamed and screamed about how hurt I was. How much pain Manny had caused me. But she. She had her reasons, I guess. I just had to trust that. Manny has helped her through a lot. A lot, Craig. I know nothing eases the pain you two went through because of, or with, each other. But. I've been where you are with Emma, over this, and…I don't know…if you need to talk…I'm here. And, you can guarantee I hate Manny just as much as you do."

Craig smirked and put his hand on my shoulder, "Thanks, that means a lot."

"Good. Now, I'm gonna go get dressed. Emma's trying to schedule some appointment at the free clinic for the baby. Just…try not to forget that she hurts too, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Everybody hurts, got it."

I laughed at the music reference before turning back to him, "I'll meet you in front of your room then?"

"My room? Don't you mean our—"

"Emma wanted to surprise you. Three separate rooms. She said it was incase you wanted to make any friends in Philly. But I think it's so she and Jay can have phone sex, loudly, the way God intended."

"How…" he paused looking for the right words, "nice of her…"

"She says she feels comfortable with us. And I know she wants to be here. But deep down, Craig. She feels completely alone without him. I know, because I've watched her go through it before. I mean. It was different then, they were broken up. But a lot of it is also the same."

"Ellie, stop."

"What?"

"I get it, alright. Make nice with Emma. I'll work on it. But…for as much as you **can** comprehend my anger with her and my pain with Manny…there's a lot of it that isn't yours. So just. Let me work through this my own way. Christ. I thought Manny was the love of my life at one point. And every moment I spent devoted to her she just proved to be further and further away from who I trusted her to be."

I looked at him with narrowed eyes. The love of his life? Funny…here I thought that's what he was calling me. Manny said he left her, over the baby. But maybe it really did happen like Craig had said in his letters or on his answering machine…maybe she had walked out on him. And that's why…that's why he was claiming to love me now. Because Manny wouldn't have him. It certainly made more since than the whole, "I've been pining after you since highschool but was so afraid of how far our love would take me that I married someone else and only ever talked to you in fifteen minute intervals" theory he'd been feeding me. "Right then. Just…don't leave…you're the only one that knows where we're going. And how to read those lines you drew all over the maps," I said walking towards the elevators, "In front of your room at nine? Okay?"

"That's in two hours! How much time do you need?"

"Hello, I have to make myself beautiful," I taunted as the elevator dinged open.

"Make herself beautiful. Of course. I am so screwed," Craig muttered running to catch the elevator."

"What about getting screwed?" I asked holding the door open for him.

"Nothing. Just. Let's try not to get into any trouble tonight, okay?"

"Me? You're directing that at me? You're the king of trouble, Manning. I'm little miss innocent compared to you."

"Wait. I don't have a room key. Fuck."

"Craig, stop saying that word every four seconds. It makes you sound stupid."

"Stupid, pa-sh. I'm a rockstar."

"I think you just proved my point. Anyway, Emma has the room keys. She's upstairs right now. She claims to have a surprise for you."

"Me thinks she's trying to get back in my good graces."

"She had this planned way before she even knew Sean was coming on the trip. Think really hard about what's just around the corner."

"I assure you that I don't have a single clue."

The elevator dinged showing we had reached our floor and Craig's eyes flickered over to me, "Look who has all the secrets now, Nash. You and Emma did a little planning of your own it seems."

I laughed and waved Emma over, "Open his door, Em."

She swung the door open and looked to see Craig's face as he was met by a woman dressed as a belly dancer. "Craig, you have been sober for one hundred weeks today. And we," she motioned between my body and her own, "couldn't be prouder of you."

"So you got me a stripper? I have to say, hanging with my ex aside, you're a pretty awesome chica."

"She's not a stripper," Emma said in a stern drawn out voice. Craig's face dropped a little and Emma smirked, "she's a dancer. There's a difference."

"Right. Dancer. So. You ladies coming into the party or what?"

Emma laughed and followed him into the suite, "Only because I'm confident that you shouldn't be left alone with her."

"I'm going to get ready for the club."

"You still want to go?"

"Yes, so don't blow all your money on the lovely lady's g-string."

I wandered away from the door shaking my head softly; of course Craig would forget everything when a beautiful woman was waved in front of him. Once inside my room I unpacked a few things and hopped in the shower. After I finished drying my hair I did a quick run through of my clothing options. Settling on nothing, I took a break and made a call back to my mother just to let her know how it was all going. I told her about the dancer Emma had gotten and she laughed, "The feminist inside of her must be feeling awful."

"She finds it humorous more than anything else. She has a huge bash planned for next month, when it'll officially be two years. I guess they've been eachother's sponsors or something. Him with the drugs, her with the eating disorder. They've been celebrating these little milestones since forever. But two years, that's a big one…she's gonna do it right."

"He's lucky to have the two of you. Ellie…I know you still care about him. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"Mom."

"No, just listen. Those Degrassi boys…they're dangerous. I've watched too many boys hurt my little girl. And I'm tired of watching you have to be strong. Just once, I want you to be able…to be treated like you're fragile…because you are, Eleanor…even if you don't want to be."

"I know, Mom. And, truthfully, part of me wants that too."

"Wants what?" I heard a voice behind me ask.

"Craig?" I asked turning around.

"Yeah. We sent the exotic dancer home. Well compensated, of course. Who's on the phone?"

"My mother."

"Oh. OhGod. I'm so sorry," he flushed a bright red.

"It's okay, I already told her about the stripper."

"Ellie!" Craig yelped backing away like my mother could see him.

"What? What does she care? We're adults now. She's proud of your one hundred weeks too."

"Tell her I said thank you."

"Tell her yourself, I have to find an outfit."

"What's wrong with what you're wearing?"

"Aside from the fact that it's sweatpants and my bra? Stop avoiding my mother, asshole," I snarked pushing the phone at his ear.

"Hi, Mrs. Nash…" he trailed off, "…thank you for your support…no, I didn't know that Ellie had my poster on her wall!" he smirked looking over at me.

"Mom!" I shouted loud enough for her to hear.

He chuckled deeply, "Well, I admire her talents too…" he put his finger over the phone's receiver, "In fact, I'm admiring them right now," he grinned slyly.

My eyebrows disappeared into my blush. "I swear, Craig, if my mother can hear you."

"I covered the phone. Anyway, Mrs. Nash, did Ellie mention to you that we're going to the club of one of our old school friends…his name is JT Yorke…trouble, eh? I suppose us Degrassi boys are trouble…you were? I see…and what exactly was she saying about me?" Craig laughed but I looked nervously over at the phone. My mother wouldn't give up our secrets…would she?

I sprinted over to him, "Give me the phone." She would. In a heartbeat; if she thought it would help me along.

"No, Ellie. Your mom and I are talking," Craig said taking long steps away from her.

"Craig, this isn't funny."

"I'm amused. Are you amused Mrs. Nash…you're mom's amused, Elle…" as he spoke he dodged into the bathroom and shut the door. "Majority rules!"

When I put my hand to the knob I discovered it had been successfully locked. "You are so immature."

He didn't respond to my diatribe and I pounded on the door, "Quit it, Nash. I'm on the phone."

"Oh, that's it, Manning. You and me are THROUGH. You hear me? THROUGH." I shouted storming back over to my bed. I hoped the smile on my face didn't sound through the door, otherwise he'd never believe me.

Moments later he came sputtering through the door and tossed the phone at me, "I wasn't. It wasn't anything serious—oh, you! You're smiling! That's was MEAN."

"Yeah, well," I smirked, "you're mean."

"Your mom hung up. Said she had better things to do than listen to love struck twentysomethings bicker long distance."

I laughed when he said "love struck" and it sounded bitter…hollow. Craig looked up at me sharply, "Right. So, playtime's over. I'll um. Be in my room when you're ready."

"No, Craig. I wasn't…I didn't mean—"

He cut me off with a flick of his wrist in the air before shutting my door behind him. I sighed deeply and looked down at my hands, "My mother, calling it like she sees it…and being right. Finally knowing me…that's what I was laughing at," I told the empty room before heading back over to my bag. Somewhere in there was a skintight purple halter dress. I was going to find it. And Craig Manning was going to eat crow.

Five minutes into my search I found it, rolled into a ball, at the bottom of one of my duffels. It was wrinkled, but when I slid it on most of the wrinkles faded away. A few stuck, and I liked it; it gave me the not-trying-too-hard look. I checked my makeup and stacked my purse with all the essentials: room key, cell phone, lip gloss, pen, post-its...you never knew when inspiration was going to strike. And Craig may have hit pay dirt waxing poetic about his sex life…but my readers looked for a little more than lipstick on the collarbone. I found myself actually feeling anxious when I knocked on his door. What would he think of the dress? Maybe it was too much. I didn't even know what kind of club JT was running.

"Damn, Ellie! Shake it!" Emma said opening the door.

"Emma? What are you doing in here?"

"Making nice that's what—holy shit, Ella. _Eleanor._ Goddamn." Craig fumbled as the door fell open the rest of the way.

"So, that means the dress works, right? Cause I wasn't sure. When I turn to the side I—"

"No, the dress definitely works," Craig replied checking me out yet again. In case you were keeping track, that made the score Nash-2, Manning-0.

"I can't believe the two of you are leaving me all by myself. Scared, pregnant, alone…"

"Hey, watch the guilt trip. We said you could come."

"Right, unless I _don't _want to expose my child to constant cigarette smoke."

"Emma," Craig muttered, "we've been over this. JT's club is smoke-free."

"What? When were we over this? I want to go. Oh! Let me go get dressed."

Craig covered his face with his hands, "Really? Really? Are you going to take more than twenty minutes?"

"No. I just want to put on a tank top. We'll let Ellie be the flashy one tonight."

"By flashy she means slutty, right? I should go change."

"You will do no such thing. There are only two conditions under which that dress is coming off tonight. And you feeling insecure is not one of them," Emma said before shutting the door behind her.

"So, are you excited?" I asked Craig, anxious for the small talk.

He sputtered and looked down at the carpet, "No. What? I wasn't even looking at you."

I laughed loudly, "I meant about the club." Nash-3, Manning-0.

"Oh, right. Yeah. I mean, I looked up the club's website. Tonight is open mic night. I thought I'd take the guitar. It's been so long since I've played. I just…thought I'd give it a shot."

"Put all those amateurs to shame?"

"No, it's not like that. I just…in LA there was all this pressure. But…out there, a random club, fellow artists…there's nothing but love."

"Okay, I'm ready," Emma said walking back into the room.

"That's was fast. Give up on the girly tendencies?"

"Not quite. But, you know, I've already got my man. I don't need to dress to impress."

"Ouch. Was that supposed to hurt?"

"No, Nora…sorry."

Emma split away from us as soon as we got there. I knew she was trying to find JT. I grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered some bourbon. "So, Manning, what're you gonna play?"

"I don't know…haven't thought about it much."

"You better start thinking. Cause the spots are filling up fast," the bartender said as she laid down my drink, "What can I get you?" She asked staring into Craig's eyes.

"Whatever's on tap. And could you let me see what the spots left are."

She dropped the clipboard on the surface in front of us, "Mostly after one a.m. But there are a couple coming up, right at the beginning…no one likes to take the beginning spots. Especially not this late into it…"

"I'll take one. The 11pm."

"Craig, that's in twenty minutes."

"Yeah, so, flutter away, Elle…I need to think about my song choice."

"Don't call me Elle, Craig. I'm not kidding. I'll see you up there." I made my way over to the VIP section where Emma was catching up with JT.

"Sorry I couldn't make it up for the wedding but I—"

"Didn't really want to be there? It's cool, JT. I get it…Jay really fucked you over in highschool."

He sighed, "I know he's changed but. I'm not ready to let go. I'm. If I let it go, Em…if I forgive…if I forget what happened Junior year, maybe I'll find myself that desperate again…and I'm not ready to take that chance."

"I did it," she whispered, "I really do…so well."

I made small talk with him for a while, about Craig, about the trip, about his girlfriend. "Craig Manning? Is there a Craig Manning?"

JT looked up, "If he doesn't get up there soon they'll give his spot away."

I did a quick sweep of the club and found him exactly where I'd left him. I walked over, "You aren't going up?"

"I can't think of anything. There's no song. No statement."

"Whatever, Craig…"

"Look I'm just…not ready."

"For what?"

"I haven't played in…one hundred and one weeks…what if…what if I need the drugs?"

I scoffed, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." I snatched his guitar off the floor beside him.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, you aren't using it, hot shot," I smirked walking up to the stage. "Hi, I'm Ellie Nash. Craig Manning is a big wuss, so I'll be taking his air time." I sat down on the stool, smiling at the cat calls, and pulling out the guitar. "This song is called "I can't think of anything.""

_You are always in my bed_

_At night, you are always in my head_

_I can't think, can't think_

_Can't think of anything but you._

_It used to be that you and me_

_Could talk for hours,_

_About the sky, the stars,_

_The sheer amount of power_

_Reflected in our song._

_Needing me to need you_

_That's what my would has come to_

_And I can't shake the feeling_

_Can't think of anything but you_

_It used to be that you could_

_Tell me anything, not just jokes_

_Or anecdotes but real things _

_Like, "I've never been this afraid."_

_And I'm not used to feeling this way._

_I think about the night I left_

_I think about the boy_

_I think about the words he said_

_I wring my hands,_

_And pray to die in bed,_

_Cause I can't shake this,_

_Can't shake him,_

_Or the way his eyes meet mine,_

_The way his words run through my mind_

_You are always in my head,_

_At night, you are always in my bed_

_I don't think, don't think_

_Don't think of anything but you._

I walked off the stage to the scattered applause and went straight to Emma, "I think I should head back to the hotel."

"Are you kidding me? That was amazing! You should stick around and see if you won the two hundred bucks," JT said, eyes wide as saucers.

"I don't think she's worried about the money," Emma whispered watching over my shoulder.

"Give him his guitar back, okay?"

"Nora…I'm not. I'm not doing your dirty work,' she said but her face showed no conviction.

"Just once more," I begged but didn't stick around for an answer.

As I neared the exit I heard Craig talking to Emma, "I guess that makes the score Ellie-one, Craig-zero." Apparently, he hadn't been properly keeping score.


	10. Chapter 10

For a change, for a spark of something new and AWESOME we're (I'm) writing this chapter from Craig's point of view.

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Also, as deceiving as the first part is…this chapter is all about Emma. Cause I haven't written really good characterization of Emma for a while and I wanted to. I've missed her.

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Sorry this update took forever. Life has been kicking my butt. I'll try not to let it interfere this horribly ever again. Also, I have every intent to finish this story. (With whatever kind of end you can give a friendship that isn't really finishing…I don't know, we'll see.)

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I saw her leaning against the van in the parking lot. She looked nervous. She looked like she was two seconds from running away. "You've got nowhere to go."

"What?" she asked.

I looked down at my hands. I hadn't meant it to sound that way. "I just meant that, you know, I have the keys and—I don't know, Ellie. What the hell was that song about?"

"Sean."

"What?" I croaked leaning beside her.

"I wrote it sophomore year."

I nodded; so it was going to be like that. Okay. "Okay. I just wanted to congratulate you: it's good." There wasn't really anything else to be said on the matter. If she was just going to lie about it anyway.

"Okay. Thanks. Um…so…you think Emma's ready to head back?"

"Are you?"

"Well, yeah. I don't know...singing like that, in front of everyone…it was so unlike me."

"Never took you for much of a liar either."

"I—what?"

"You ran off that stage…like someone had stowed a bomb under the stool. Girls with nothing to hide don't do that."

"Craig—"

"It's not like—I don't want to talk about the song, either Elle. So…you didn't have to lie…that's all I'm saying."

"I wasn't—fine, Craig. It was about you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yes. Now let's go get Em."

"That's it? No whys or how or—"

"I told you, Elle…I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine. I'll go find Emma."

Emma was saying her goodbyes I guess because just as Ellie turned she burst through the door with JT in hand, "You've got a great thing here, Jim. Keep in touch, okay? And maybe, after the baby's born…you'll come visit me and Jay?"

"Maybe, Em." He kissed her cheek and she headed over to us.

"So, hurricane CraigandEllie, ready to head back?"

"Cute, Em…" I mumbled unlocking the doors. We drove home in silence and when we got back Sean was sitting in the lobby staring at the doors.

"They wouldn't tell me what room you were in."

"What?"

"I gave them your name, and they were all "I'm sorry Sir but we can't give that information out." And I told them you were waiting for me but they said I should just call your cell phone. But I didn't have the number so…"

"You could have called me, Sean," Ellie pointed out.

"It just. I didn't really want to talk about my feelings."

"It's cool man, you got bags?" I asked as he stood up.

"Six hours ago, mortal enemies. Now their roomies?" Ellie cracked.

"Well, you know, that trusted the wrong people comment? I'm pretty sure he meant us," Emma stage whispered.

"Just you, really," I spit giving her a flash of my eyes.

"Oh, fuck you! She saved your life in LA."

"Right, turning me over so I didn't drown in my own vomit then walking out to continue the party in another room. How will I ever repay you, Em?"

Emma didn't say anything. She walked right past me and pressed the elevator button. I watched her stance, her defeated shoulders. Damn. I could be such an asshole. Ellie was staring at me coldly, "I'm sorry, Em," I said, just loud enough for her to hear me.

When she didn't react I said it again, louder. This time she responded by pressing the button repeatedly. "Emma…I'm sorry, okay?" I stepped towards her and put my hand on her shoulder but she jerked away like I had burned her. I hated watching her withdraw into herself. I had seen it before…too many times. I needed her to know I was there for her…like she was always there for me. Like I had always promised but never had to come through on. "Emma, please…just say something."

She turned to me and looked me square in the eye but said nothing. "Em, don't do this now…you're scaring me."

I watched as she placed her hand on her swollen belly looked to the elevator one last time then turned towards the stairwell. "Emma!" I shouted one last time before turning back to Ellie and Sean. "I am sorry, Ellie…I just…she was making a joke out of my pain."

"And you made a laughing stock out of hers? Are you even now, Craig? Will you sleep a little better now that you've been honest with her about how hurt you were?" Ellie never broke eyes contact and my knees felt weak all of a sudden. "I mean, you got the last laugh…isn't that what this was all about?"

The elevator dinged behind her and she brushed past me into it. Sean followed, "Come on, man. She's probably just being all quiet cause she knew it'd be what got to you the most."

"You don't understand, man. You don't. In L.A. she used to go on these silent binges, right. Where she wouldn't talk to anyone. Not me, not the maids. Not the doctors, the mailmen, anyone. And I'd hear her crying. Like, sniffling…but I'd never see her cry, you know. I'd just hear it. I'd just know she was. Then the next time I saw her she'd look fine…but she still wouldn't say anything. I don't. I used to worry that she wouldn't snap out of it one day. I couldn't _bring _her out of it. So, unless she decided to come back…I would—we would—lose her forever."

"I'm not sure if I should tell you this, because you'll probably use it against her. But. She wasn't not talking to anybody. I got a call a while back. A call I hung up on three times before I actually listened. It was Manny saying she was getting calls from Emma's number…as soon as she answered all she could hear was someone crying. She thought maybe it was me, trying to force her to deal with my pain the first time. But after the second call in a row she realized, she knew that cry…it was Emma. She asked me if I knew what was wrong and I told her the only things I could think of. I guess it worked, or whatever cause a few weeks later I got a call from Em saying thank you. But we never talked about it…not other than that, I mean."

The rest of the elevator ride was silent. Emma had been calling Manny? Not just calling her but crying to her? Did she talk to Manny when she called? Did she talk to her when she was ignoring the rest of us? It didn't even matter. She was willing to share her pain with her…willing to share her tears. Manny rated higher than most of the free world. Manny had comforted her when I couldn't. Was this my fault? Was this my tragic flaw? Another person I couldn't be there for when they needed me because I was too doped up? I tried knocking on Emma's door again later that night but I got no answer. Around one in the morning I leaned against the door and heard her crying, faintly. I knocked softly, making my presence known, and was quickly greeted by a fresh batch of silence. It was amazing, that she could turn it on and off.

Where had she learned that? No…I didn't really wonder that. I knew. I watched her learn. We all did. "Emma? I'm leaving now. I'm…I'm going back to my room. I know you can hear me. So, I'm just letting you know."

I padded quietly away from the door and waited until I heard the sobs pick back up before heading the rest of the way in. "Did she let you in?" Sean asked from where the cot was set up.

"No. I'm not. I'm not the type of person Emma Nelson lets in."

He cracked a dry laugh, "She's been Emma Hogart for a while now, Manning."

"Semantics…she'll always been Emma Nelson, angel of mercy, with the healing hands of God…too good to acknowledge her own pain."

"You ever think that's it's own kind of pain? Having to convince yourself you're flawed. You can't learn to trust men after a 38 year old man tries to rape you without paying a price. You can't find your father then immediately lose him without paying a price. You can't watch a man lose his life for loving you without paying a price. You can't forgive all those people, the parents that cheat and lie and leave, the boyfriends that do the same, the best friends that turn their backs on you when their pain becomes too much…the future husbands that offer you bracelets and cold names for sexual acts, without paying a price. But she has…so she asks herself everyday, what is her price? Has she paid it yet? Maybe she lives in fear, Craig. Or maybe she thinks that being stoic, angel of good, healing hands of God Emma Nelson is her price. Forced to keep her dark, morose pieces hidden from the world that finds itself brighter with her in it."

"What the hell, Sean? That's some deep scary shit. Where are you getting that?"

"You have to listen when she talks, man. Jay asked her to start over when they got back together and she said no. Because she needs him to see her flaws. I'm not talking that trivial crap, that everybody hurts bullshit. I'm talking about actually seeing her…and the only reason they're still together is because he does see her now. Like I couldn't. I couldn't pull her off the pedestal."

"You certainly seem to be glorifying her now," I threw out. But I wasn't sure I meant it as a jibe. Honestly, I was scared by his words. The Emma he was describing was severely more fucked up than I accounted for.

"My point is this: Manny lets Emma be weak. Manny lets Emma need her. She lets Emma have flaws when the rest of us aren't so sure. Bitch all you want about their friendship but Manny doesn't scoff at how Emma saved her life, she just knows she did. Manny doesn't ask her to be accountable for her flaws, she just lets her have them. She just listens to her best friend cry and tells her the pain will go away soon."

I looked at him blankly until he reached up and flipped off the lamp beside him. How did he know her like that? How could he pick out words and stories and just. Know. Without a doubt that he was right. And our Emma was _that _Emma. How could he suddenly make me grateful for the ex wife I generally wanted dead? Okay, it was official. I was back to hating Sean Cameron.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter contains mild sexual situations. Mostly in a humorous way though. So, do with it what you will.

When I woke up the next morning the room was empty. On the door to the bathroom Sean had left me a note, "Tracker woke up. We tried to haul you out of bed; it didn't work. See you at the hospital. P.S. Call Emma." I wasn't sure if the Emma thing was a crack at me or not but I desperately wanted to call her, so I did. The call ran straight through to voicemail and I became furious all over again. Last night we were laughing and playing games and. If you've never watched a pregnant Emma twist dollar bills through a stripper's thong, you haven't lived.

"Ellie," I said when she answered her phone, "where are you?"

"At the hospital."

"With Sean?"

"No, Sean is with Tracker. I'm up with Emma."

"Emma's not with Sean?"

"Nope. The doctors are running some tests on the baby."

I panicked, "Tests? What kind of tests?"

"Calculus mostly."

"You're not cute."

"Really? Cause I remember a certain boy nearly swallowing his tongue at my purple dress last night. But you're probably right. I could get a little work done."

"Seriously, Elle…she's okay?"

"They're checking the enzymes. It's a totally normal thing. Routine check-up stuff. Of course, I'm sitting in the waiting room on Emma's phone with Papa Hogart and he thinks it shouldn't be taking this long so—what, Jay, you did too say that—the baby is fine—I'm not asking him, the baby IS FINE—Craig, Jay wants you to promise you'll take Emma back to T.O. if the baby isn't okay."

"Of course, man, I promise."

Ellie lowered her voice to my decibel, "Dude, he promises, fist pound. But you're totally gonna have to let him borrow your Harley one night."

Ellie does the worst impression of me. "Seriously, Elle, that was supposed to be me? It needs work." I tuned out her response and checked to see what I looked like in the mirror. Did I warrant a shower? I pulled my sweatpants off and decided to just throw on my black jeans. If I could ever find them, "How'd she get an appointment so soon?" I asked pulling my t-shirt over my head.

"Appointments are for amateurs. Emma passed out in the hallway…straight to the front of the line."

"SHE PASSED OUT," I shouted stumbling over the tangle of clothes.

"Chill, Casanova, she's fine, just dehydrated. ANYWAY, Tracker's awake and looking good too, if I may say so myself—I never slept with Tracker, Jay. That would be low by even, well, YOUR standards—SO, CRAIG, Sean's really relieved…I don't think he could bear the thought of losing him."

"You think he'll leave with us if we ask him?" I questioned giving up the search for my jeans and settling onto my bed.

"What is this, the Craig and Sean reunion tour?"

"Oh fuck you, Ellie."

"Well how could I resist when you ask so sweet. How about tonight?"

My eyes traveled down to my boxers and I watch the shiver run through my abdomen: this conversation is getting way off course. "Only if you wear those edible panties I know you have somewhere."

"What is it with you and my panties, Craig? I mean…you sure do spend an awful lot of time thinking about them."

God was that true. I needed a hobby. Hobbies. One hobby would not keep my from watching for faint lines under her clothes that would tell me just what her underwear looked like today. I wonder if it was red. She used to wear a lot of red panties, with little embellishments everywhere, hearts, stars, teddy bears. "I think maybe you are projecting your fantasies onto me. It's not true just because you want it to be, Elle-Belle."

"Well," she swooned, "I just can't help but dream of you. So manly. So tall, and tainted, and twisty." Oh. Her tone was light and I could tell she was just continuing the joke. I could tell she had no clue I was sitting on my bed in _my _underwear trying to figure out if I could get her voice to drop into that raspy whisper she sometimes got. "I mean, a girl only has so much will power, Craig." And there is was. She had to know. She had to have been fucking with me. And it would serve her right if I just reached down and—

"What, not witty exchange from your side? I guess that makes it Nash 2, Manning 0."

I mean a few gargling noises as I tried to readjust my thought patterns. I couldn't tell you the number of times I had done this in rehab, touched myself while she talked…even to her answering machine a few times, just hanging up and calling back again and again until I'd finished the job.

"Oh GROSS, no way, Jay. Craig, you're not jerking off to this, are you?"

I told myself to sound offended, and quick, "WHAT? Of course not. I put the phone down while I was getting dressed. I, like, just picked it up. Christ, what do you take me for?"

"Hey, technically, Jay's your accuser."

"Well Jay doesn't know shit. I wouldn't do that without asking you first, alright?"

"Oh, so…not like when you were in detox, then?"

I gasped, "You knew?"

"Your middle name is Albert…not discrete."

"That is the single worst retort you've ever had."

"Oh, Craig. _Oh._ I'm not wearing _anything_. Mm. Just those earrings you bought me at the airport in Aruba…and I'm hot for you, Craig. Don't you want to play with me?"

"So, I have to go now. The maid is here. To clean the room. I'll see you shortly at the airport."

"Hospital."

"What?"

"No one is at the airport. You'll see me shortly at the hospital."

"Whatever." The last thing I heard before I hung up with her light laughter.

Yeah. I am _so _screwed. Whose idea was this road trip anyway? Craig, remember the girl that used to fuck you so hard your body ached for days? Want to live out of a van with her and watch her eat, watch her sleep, coexist with her until you can't tell up from down anymore? I threw on the closest clothes I could find. I was going to not think about Ellie at all. Ever. Unless is was mean, horrible, disgusting things. About her picking her nose. "Right, Craig," I said to myself as I pulled the van out of the parking lot, "except she doesn't pick her nose. She just smiles and tilts her head to the side and is generally perfect." And now I was talking to myself. PERFECT.

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**Okay, so, what did you think? It's shorter than most other chapters. But that's because it's all dirty. (Yum.) Basically, it will only get worse at some point. And then there's going to be the whole manner of Jay and Emma once he flies—I mean. What? Jay is far away. FAAAAR away. Emma is definitely all alone. **

**Regardless, this fic is rated M starting soon. Shoulda done it a long time ago…if I had, maybe Ellie and Craig would be together by now. I'll leave this chapter as is, but you'll have to start looking for Verse in the Ma-ture section of FF soon. That's all folks. Leave some love (Or I'm gonna start taking mine back, ya hear?!). **


	12. Chapter 12

Some crazy foreshadowing. God, I for one, cannot WAIT for the other shoe to drop...

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An hour into our hospital trip Ellie nodded out, "I'm going to grab lunch with Sean. Stay here with Emma, okay?"

"Try not to get pregnant," I mumbled as she walked out.

She spun around quickly, arching her eyebrow, "Getting knocked up is Manny's thing. Besides, I thought you were over your Sean-wars."

I am. Mostly. Except that the idea of the two of them, alone together, drags this giant knot into my intestines. "Sean and I are cool. It's _you _I don't trust."

"Yeah, that clever little line only works on Emma. I couldn't care less if you trust me." She stepped towards me with an intense pout on her lips, "Because you really shouldn't, Craig. Trust me? I'll only let you down."

And with that she spun back to the door and sauntered out of my line of vision. What was that supposed to mean, anyway? That I shouldn't trust her? Did she mean anything at all. Maybe she just said it to ensure I'd spend even more time considering her. But I wasn't going to give into her demands. I was going to stalk into the waiting room and harass nurses until they let me see Emma. "Emma Nelson. No, I'm sorry…Emma Hogart, which room?"

"I'm sorry Sir, but she can't see visitors yet."

"Not even me? Craig Manning…I mean…it's not that I don't respect the law and structures of the hospital it's just…well…I have to be back on the road soon and Emma's been my best friend since I was 12. I just want to make sure she's okay."

The nurse seemed to deflate at my words, "Well, here's the thing Mr. Manning. It's not that I don't respect your work as an artist, right. It's just that the hospital has policies…and you aren't pretty enough to risk my job for."

"Can you at least tell me why she's being admitted? I mean, when I spoke to our friend Ellie she said it was just some tests."

She looked shocked at my naiveté, "She asked to be admitted."

"What? Why? Is something wrong?"

"Patient records are confidential, and I promise that as soon as she settles into the room someone will let you know."

I went back over to the yellow chairs I was becoming too familiar with. I briefly busied myself wondering if it was hard for Ellie to breath in here. She seemed so passive about these things but. But you can't watch your husband die, then not die, then die all over again from a sterile hospital room without feeling something. How did Ellie get out of Jay-duty? I mean…wasn't she supposed to be convincing Papa H everything was fine. Or did she know what was wrong with Emma? Why wasn't she telling? I picked up my phone and pressed 3 on the speed dial, "Eleanor Nash…why is Emma being admitted?"

"Admitted? For overnight care? Did something go wrong with the tests? Are her electrolytes normal?" Her voice became increasingly panicked, "Is there a Doctor near you? Is something talking?"

"No, no one is talking. I'm waiting for her to settle into the room. I just. I thought that maybe you knew what was going on."

"You thought that maybe I knew and failed to mention it? Seriously, Craig? Are we twelve."

"Well, I'm not. But you still seem to be holding some grudges."

"I'm going to call Jay. She may not have pulled us into the loop but I doubt she's seeking help without consulting her husband."

"I'll call him."

"No. Craig. It's fine."

"What? I can't call? I was in his wedding party…we've met."

"You were in EMMA'S wedding party. There's a difference."

"Not enough of one. We get along. I promised him I'd look out for her. So, here we go, right. Me making good on the promises."

"Fine. But you have to tell me whatever you find out."

"Of course…God, Elle…when have I ever kept secrets from you?"

"Pretty little fork in the road. One path is all the horror stories, every time you said, "Baby, I'm gonna leave her." And the other is simply hanging up and rushing back to those bitchy nurses."

"Guess I'll see you soon."

"Yeah," she scoffed before I heard the dial tone.

I pressed 5 on the speed dial and listened to the ringing until I finally heard, "You have reached Fort Hudson how may I direct your call."

"Um. Hi. I need to be connected to Corporal Jason Hogart. It's an emergency."

"I'm sorry Sir but Corporal Hogart was flown off of the base quite a few nights ago."

"Flown out? Why? Did he go on a mission?"

The woman didn't confirm or deny but his laughter told her that wasn't it. "No, Sir, but I can't give you any information without security clearance."

"What is it with people refusing me information? I was just speaking to him earlier, from this number," I wasn't sure that was true but. Ellie didn't mention a new number, so I continued with my assumption.

"Calls are forwarded in the morning hours. Unfortunately it's about 7 here so the night policies are in effect."

"Forwarded to where," I asked while flipping through the portfolio folders Ellie had left me. I knew the security information was in here somewhere.

"Like I said, Sir, that's only available with the proper security clearance."

"I have clearance."

"You have the primary access code?"

"Yes. I just. Alpha 2 Foxtrot Zulu Hotel 87 dash Whiskey Charlie 419."

"Okay, Sir, your name,"

"Craig Manning."

"The secondary listing?"

"Uniform kilo 607 brave Zulu xray."

"I'm sorry Mr. Manning that was last week's code."

"You mean it's changed I—okay, yes, I'm sorry. I forgot. The proper code, Lima, Charlie 818 Echo Quebec Papa."

"Okay, Sir. Now all I need from you are the last four numbers on the Corporal's identification tags."

"This is pretty nerve-racking."

"I'm sure it's no worse that playing CBGB's. Please, Sir, the numbers."

"0031."

"Okay, Mr. Manning—"

"Please, call me Craig."

"Okay, Craig, it says here that Corporal Hogart was moved to an off base hospital following an injury sustained during practice rounds."

"What kind of injury?"

"He was crawling through a ropes course when his leg became stuck under an obstacle. A passing soldier landed on the leg and…there's a notation saying the leg is broken in more than one place."

"Can you tell me why we weren't informed of this when his wife called earlier?"

"I can't be positive that she wasn't informed. The injury was over a week ago. It's very unlikely that she didn't know unless he was trying to keep it from her."

"Thank you. Um…is there a way to leave a message for Mr. Hogart?"

"Corporal Hogart and, yes. I can connect you to his message service. There will be a short radio silence followed by three beeps in rapid secession then a longer beep. After the longer beep you can leave your message."

"Lots of hoops to jump through here."

"Well, cliché though you may find it, it's literally a matter of national security."

I laughed then the feed cut out and I listened for beeps through the silence. "Jay, it's Craig. Emma's being checked into the hospital. I don't know her room number or…really what's going on yet. But, I'll keep you up to date. You can reach me…or Ellie, I guess on our cells. We'll keep them on for you."

After I hung up I just sat there for the longest time. I couldn't reach Jay, who apparently had a broken leg. I couldn't get in to see Emma. Ellie and Sean were probably out "getting to know each other." There were not enough crossword puzzles in the world to keep me entertained. "Mr. Manning? Emma is ready to receive visitors."

I saw a lot during rehab. And before that, when I used to go the hospital while my father was working. But I wasn't prepared to see Emma hooked up to all those machines. There was one monitoring her heart rate, and another monitoring the baby's. There was oxygen and an IV. "Em, what the hell? I thought it was just tests." I wanted to be angry. But she looked so frail. And so thin for seven months. "Em? What's going on?"

"I'm…look, it's kind of embarrassing, you know?"

"You can tell me anything."

"Right, anything I want thrown back in my face at a later—"

She was cut off sharply by a spike in the monitor. "Look, I don't want to upset you. I just…I want to make sure you're alright."

"I bet I can tell you what's wrong."

I turned to the voice, "Manny? What are you—were you out in the waiting room? I didn't see you."

"I was being discrete. I'm not here for you, so I didn't want to waste any time actually speaking to you."

"Well, looks like you just lost four seconds."

"Craig…Manny…just stop, okay? I—I asked her to come. Last night, after our fight. I just…needed her, okay? Can you understand that?"

He could. Of course he could…he had needed her too many times before to not understand. But that didn't dilude his anger. "I'm gonna go warn Ellie. I don't think she'd like to drop in on this particular walk down memory lane."

"Right," Emma sighed.

"Of course, of course you're still worried about Ellie's feelings. I guess I shouldn't be surprised…I know all about old _dogs _and their tricks."

"I'm sorry, Manny, are you implying that I'm a dog or simply admitting what a wrinkly bitch _you've _become?" I bit before stepping out of the room.

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Okay, so, next chapter…why Emma's in the hospital. The chapter is already written and anyone who guesses right will get a special present. A Jay/Emma one-shot: the two of them, after Secret, after Sean comes back…how _do _they find their way back to eachother?

Also, just as a note: the more feedback, the faster the chapters roll in. And I KNOW you can't wait to see what Ellie has to say about it all. And what the heck is UP with Jay? Could I _be _dragging it out any longer? Sheesh.


	13. Chapter 13

Some filler that serves two purposes:

Firstly, To get this story back into Ellie's POV, where it belongs (most of the time.)

Secondly, I re-read the story and realized there aren't a whole lot of clues to this Emma thing and it's not incredibly fair to ask you all to guess when there aren't clues. So, at the bottom of this post there are 2 clues.

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"We HAVE to check this out."

"No. I'm not getting my fortune told by some topless chick just because she's hot"

"You take objection to naked ladies? Since when? Come on, Sean. It's 20 bucks."

"She's hot. That doesn't mean she's psychic. It's a waste of money."

"So you think someone else has more potential to be psychic if she's a little uglier? That's called _sexism _Cameron. I never thought you for a bigot."

"Well I am…that's me…total bastard without a cause. I hate pretty girls, children, _and_ puppies."

"Wait…are you calling me ugly? Cause, I mean, you liked me and Emma enough to go road tripping…"

"I was just in it for the look on Craig's face."

"I knew it!"

"Ellie, give it up. I'm not going into Chez Shady-as-hell."

"What if she's really psychic and she can tell you how happy you'll end up?"

"If I'm going to end up happily-ever-after, then I want it to be a surprise…no point in wasting away waiting on my happy ending. And, if I'm not going to be happy? Well, I don't want to give up my hope. Fortune tellers aren't my thing."

"Then just come in for moral support. I've never had my fortune told by a topless chick before."

"You really want to do this? I mean? Really?"

"Well, I'm only KINDA sure…I think one more _really _might take away the urge all together."

"You're not cute."

"Steal that line from Craig?"

There's a thin line between good-natured jokes and…not. I guess I just crossed it if the way his body stiffens at my words. But he recovers nicely, "Yet another on the long list of things I've swiped from right under his nose. I use it better…it should be mine."

I arched my eyebrow, "Again, like _so many things _on that list."

He rewarded my efforts with a laugh, "I'm telling him you said that."

"Good…he doesn't hate me nearly enough already."

"He doesn't hate you at all. He loves you. He's dancing down the street with a cloud at his feet."

"Seriously, Sean? You know the lyrics to _That's Amore_?"

"Everyone does."

"Yeah, like, the first two lines about pizza. But that's some obscure third verse. Admit it, you're a closet rat pack freak."

"Well, I'm not. But…I picked up a few things with you in the house."

"Is that were all my Frank Sinatra CDs w—"

I was cut off abruptly by my phone's shrill ring. He nodded at me to answer it and when I did, Craig's panicked voice sounded in my ear. "Um…HELLO to you, too."

"Eleanor Nash," he muttered cutting off my protests, "Why is Emma being ADMITTED?"

"Admitted? For overnight care? Did something go wrong with the tests? Are her electrolytes normal?" My own tone rose to match his, "Is there a Doctor near you? Is something talking?"

"No, no one is talking. I'm waiting for her to settle into the room. I just. I thought that maybe you knew what was going on."

"You thought that maybe I knew and failed to mention it? Seriously, Craig? Are we twelve."

"Well, I'm not. But you still seem to be holding some grudges."

I breathed deeply and rolled my eyes. That wasn't even worth responding to, "I'm going to call Jay. She may not have pulled us into the loop but I doubt she's seeking help without consulting her husband."

"I'll call him."

"No. Craig. It's fine."

"What? I can't call? I was in his wedding party…we've met."

"You were in EMMA'S wedding party. There's a difference."

"Not enough of one. We get along. I promised him I'd look out for her. So, here we go, right. Me making good on the promises."

"Fine. But you have to tell me whatever you find out."

"Of course…God, Elle…when have I ever kept secrets from you?"

"Pretty little fork in the road. One path is all the horror stories, every time you said, "Baby, I'm gonna leave her." And the other is simply hanging up and rushing back to those bitchy nurses."

"Guess I'll see you soon."

"Yeah," she scoffed before I heard the dial tone. When had he kept secrets from me? In Sean's words: Really? He was serious with that question. Our entire relationship was a secret. Not to mention the number of times he promised me there were no drugs. "Are secrets still secrets when they become lies?"

"What? What happened?"

"Never mind the Craig drama. Emma's been admitted to the hospital."

"For what?"

"No one seems to know."

"Let's get back then. We can visit your topless psychic another day." He guided me back to the car and even went as far to open my door for me before heading over to the driver's seat.

"Sean," I asked once we were out on the road.

"Yeah, Ellie?"

"Nothing. I just…thank you, for being who you are. Even after…everything."

He looked taken aback, like he wasn't sure what to say, "Yeah…um. You're welcome."

Okay, now for the fun part:

1----It has something to do with Emma's quiet silences. In fact, re-reading chapter 10 is a pretty safe bet.

2 -----Craig is going to be _soooooo _pissed Emma never told him. I guess that's not really a clue but. Oh, fine…

3 ----Jay nodded slowly,"I saw this coming when we found out we were pregnant." In fact, he can't believe he let this happen. Again. (A/N: isn't it adorable the way Jay says "We're pregnant" I mean…could you get any cuter?)

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I'll accept more than one guess from everyone. And I'm really glad you are all enjoying the game.


	14. Chapter 14

Here it is. The big one. Every answer I wouldn't give for MONTHS. I've just thrown them all in there and you can bet it's just a pressure cooker for everyone. I wonder who will explode first. Any guesses?

Sean and I were pulling into the parking lot when my phone rang again, "Craig? Is everything okay?"

"With Emma, yes. She's receiving visitors now."

"Are you in the room with her?"

"No. That's actually…um…Manny is—one of her visitors. In there right now."

"Manny's there?"

"I guess Emma called her last night."

"Because of the fight."

"I just wanted to give you a head's up."

"Sean and I are on our way up now. We'll see—hey! HEY! JAY? Sean? Is that—I have to go, Craig."

"Wait, Hogart's—" I cut his question off by shutting my cell phone.

"JASON HOGART…FREEZE," I yelled with all my might.

In the distance, a figure halted and turned slowly, "Christ, Ellie, those are some lungs."

"What are you _doing _here?"

"Um…my wife's in the hospital."

"What happened to your leg?" Sean asked.

"Apparently, I'm too fragile for field work."

Sean squinted at him, "You? You can bench press your wife."

"In my defense, she's tiny."

"So, how'd you know Emma was in the hospital? Craig said he just found out and there's no way that's enough time for you to hop a flight."

"My station's in Georgia. When you told me about the electrolytes this morning I knew it was going to turn into more. Emma's body doesn't handle pregnancy well. We've had five miscarriages—I just knew."

"She—in one year?" Sean asked quietly.

"No. Two were…before we got married. I—I didn't know about the one. It was. Look, we can talk about this upstairs. She has gestational diabetes. She. I shouldn't have even. She shouldn't be alone any more than—let's go upstairs."

We rode the elevator in silence and when we got to the sixth floor Craig was pacing in front of the elevator. "Craig, hey, is everything alright?"

"No! It's her kidneys…I…I wanted to stay in there but…Manny—"

"Let's get one thing straight, Craig, you can't just walk out on your _friends, _your friends who have been here for you through EVERYTHING just because Manny shows up," Jay sputtered.

"Wow, thanks, _Jay_. Jay who showed up with absolutely no warning. Who didn't tell anyone about his leg, or his flight home or—you know what, you're right. Emma is more important than the rest of this shit right now." Craig spun on his heels and headed back towards the room.

We all followed him, talking amongst ourselves. "Emma, I truly believe everything's going to be fine," Manny's voice filtered through our ears. "You're at five months and…oh, Em…shh."

Jay stepped in first. The rest of us were too busy staring at the scene before us. Manny had climbed into the bed with Emma and curled her body around her, smoothing her hair onto the pillows. "Baby, how are you feeling?"

"Jay? Jay! What are you doing here? What happened to your leg? Why didn't you—" her diatribe was cut short as she grabbed her stomach in pain, "Ooh."

"Em," he shouted rushing towards her on his crutches. He pulled himself into the chair beside her, "This is why I didn't call first. I didn't want you to hear I broke my leg and think it was worse than it is. I know you Em, your imagination can run wild. Is it the baby?"

"No. My kidneys. An infection. God, I wish the three of you would just come in instead of blocking the doorway like that."

I bristled at her tone, "We just don't want you to feel crowded."

"Crowded? Ellie…I just feel loved. All of you, in here, caring. Thank you for worrying about me. For—you're always there."

"Just like you're always here for us. It's no different. It's no—we all love you, Emma. And we're going get you through this." I turned towards Craig's voice slowly and smiled at him.

"So, what's the deal, Emma?" Sean asked moving to the far right of the room.

"I have gestational diabetes. I've—_we've_ had trouble conceiving before. Three miscarriages before this pregnancy stuck. I thought. I thought I was in the clear once I got to the third month. But there are still complications and. Craig, I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue the trip."

"The trip? Em? You're worried about the _trip_? We can postpone the trip, Emma. You honestly think any of us are going anywhere when you need us?"

"Wow Craig, it's kind of endearing the way you care about every woman in your life. Must've just been me you couldn't bring yourself to care about," Manny muttered as she rolled herself off the bed.

"By all means Manny, let's make this about you," Ellie shot narrowing her eyes and the shorter woman. "God knows you don't spend enough time bashing Craig on television every day."

"I tell the _truth _Ellie. And you of all people should know he deserves to have people know it."

"We _both _made mistakes, Manny. Our marriage was just that—ours—and you didn't work any harder at it then I did."

I turned abruptly towards Craig, that wasn't fair. She had tried harder. Even I knew that, even after everything. "Craig, c'mon, that's not fair. She tried. You know she—"

"I tried too. Tried to love you, just you. God, you made it so _hard_, Manny."

"Craig!" Emma said sharply.

Craig nodded his head like a school child being punished, "Right, sorry."

"Emma why didn't you tell me you were in pain," I whispered walking towards her bed. "I know you had trouble conceiving but…ignoring these things doesn't make them go away. We have to take care of eachother, right?"

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I just didn't want you to get overprotective."

"It's not overprotective if the actions are _called for_ Emma," Manny added from her corner of the room.

It burned me up inside to agree with Manny twice within the same five minutes. But what could you do. Sean's voice sounded from across the room, "So gestational diabetes? You get that every time you're pregnant?"

"How would they know what's gonna happen every time, man?" Craig asked settling into a chair.

"Um…" I mumbled looking towards Jay and Emma. My eyebrow arched and I turned to review the smug smile on Manny's face, the regret burning on Sean's eyes.

Emma looked down at her hands, "Well, Craig. You remember that day I trashed your dining room?"

"Yes. You said Snake had called with bad news about your mom."

"I lied. I—I had been pregnant. Until that—I. I lost the baby. I couldn't call Ellie cause she was going through that with Jimmy and…you were so sick. I couldn't—"

"The silences." She nodded and his face filled with blood, "You could have—I would have been there for you. You didn't need to ignore me. Don't forget, I too know what it is like to lose children."

The words dig deeply into everyone in the room. "Fuck you," Manny spits at him.

He laughed, "Funny you should mention it; the sex was about the only part of our relationship that was tolerable."

"I would get so depressed about it. I already thought Jay was out of my life forever and then the baby. And you didn't—I was afraid you would be mad at me."

"What? That's crazy Em."

"You were mad at Manny."

"Manny did it on purpose. Your baby died. Mine were killed."

"Still you were—you were so messed up then Craig. I wasn't sure if you would lash out or not. I was so fragile already and. I couldn't handle your anger. Not about that, about anything. So I avoided you. And I called the only person I knew, without a doubt, would be there for me without—I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"God Em, the secrets you have. How do you—how do you do it?"

"Watch it, Craig," Jay spoke sitting up straight in his chair. So far, he had just been observing but there was a deadly calm taking over his eyes now.

"I just meant that…to go through so much…by herself. Where do you find the strength to keep going? To keep trying? I haven't seen half the stuff you have and look at me."

"You've seen enough, Craig. We all have." The words had come from Manny and we all rested our eyes on her as she finished, "You've done your fair share of rebuilding too."

It's the closest either one of them will ever get to an apology and we all know it. The silence settles in around us and it's almost comfortable. Almost.


	15. Chapter 15

The doctor came in and Manny chauffeured us out of the room. "I'm going to grab some coffee, Em. Then I'll be back."

"Okay. Hey, thanks for coming. I—you're a good friend."

"I'd better be. Look, I have some big news later. Free up some alone time, okay?"

It was a subtle dig at the three of us, all clambering behind her like ducklings. I rose my eyebrows in Craig's direction and he rolled his eyes back at me. "Reason number 712 for our divorce, always talked about me, never to me."

Sean was already moving towards the elevators and the doctor's voice in the room was becoming a dull buzzing. "Craig, don't be coy. There was only one reason for our divorce and, shocker, she's still here. Is she at least sleeping with you again?"

I spun to face her, "Watch your mouth, Manny. I don't want any part of whatever is going on between you and Craig. I removed myself from the situation _years_ ago. And you know that. You _know _that I left so you two could make it work. You know I—I respected you, Manny. I respected you and I gave up a man I truly loved for you even though I didn't owe you anything. I left because _you asked me to_ and you screwed me anyway."

"I wasn't going to lie, Ellie. I sat down to write that book about Craig going to rehab and everything just fell out. He loved me, but not enough to stop loving you. And it doesn't matter if you left so he could _settle_ for me. It doesn't matter because my HUSBAND loved you and only ever tolerated me. God he—he used to look at me and I could just see in his eyes—he hated me for not being you. He—I will never be sorry for telling the truth in that—"

"Except it wasn't the truth. I left _months _before your plotline put me in his hotel room. In his bed. I was in Toronto painting trees on the ceiling with Sean and all of a sudden there you are on Oprah telling the world—I never cheated on Sean. _Never._"

"I saw you," Manny whispered. "Montego Bay, the weekend of the Ashland Music festival." Sean doubled back and looked into Manny's eyes as if trying to gauge the truth. Craig froze in his place, turning to slump against the wall but saying nothing. Manny inhaled raggedly, "You were dressed so…unlike yourself. A little trashy, none of the class I'd always associated with you. At first I didn't think it _was_ you but later, Emma told me you'd gotten your h hair cut. It suited you, really; you were beautiful."

Sean put his hand on my arm, "The Ashland? We were in town that week, Ellie. We were there and I told you I wanted to go home but you. Damnit! I can't believe I trusted you."

"Whatever Manny saw—" I cut myself off turning to face Manny, "Whomever you saw, Manny, it wasn't me."

"Even now you won't tell the truth? All this evidence and you still won't just fucking admit that you _couldn't _leave him anymore than he could let you go." Manny's tone had dropped dangerously low, "The damage is already done, the truth won't change anything."

"The truth," Craig's voice broke in, raw and broken, "I saw Ellie and Sean check into their hotel. I went to talk to her. I asked her why she was in town. I—she told me she had cousins in North Carolina. Family…that she wanted Sean to meet."

"Oh God. No, Craig. Tell me—" I turned to Sean, "Rachel," I whispered. "How did you even—"

"I followed you guys to that dinner. I—I didn't understand why you. I wanted to meet your family, Ellie. I wanted to be the guy on your arm that. That you were proud of."

"Rachel? Her cousin Rachel?" Sean looked to Craig's face, incredulous.

I shrugged my shoulders, "That's my best guess. Why don't you end the mystery, Craig?"

"It—I was—she looked so much like you."

My mouth went dry and I turned to Craig, "Sick, Manning. Truly sick." I stepped away from the huddled mass in the hallway, "I can't believe you."

"I love you," he whispered desperately.

"And as a testament to that you fucked my cousin."

"In his defense," I heard from behind me, "he was pretty strung out. He might not have even known what he was doing."

I looked at Manny over my shoulder, "I think it is very sad that you consider that a defense."

Behind Manny I saw a rustle of color, "Thanks Doc—hey, what are you guys still doing out here? I thought you were going for coffee."

I scoffed at his words, "Like the four of us could ever get far. At least we've learned to fight in whispers instead of shouting."

Jay's eyebrows rose as he surveyed the group, "What are you fighting about?"

"I owe Ellie and apology," Manny mumbled, "I'm sorry Ellie. I should have trusted you would do the right thing. I should have—after the conversation we had that night—I should have known you'd do what you said."

I nodded and stepped to the side so the doctor could move through the hallway. "I would have believed it too if I'd seen it with my own two eyes."

"Ellie, Emma is asking for you. The rest of you, come catch me up in the mess hall."

Sean laughed, "In the civilian world, Hogart, it's a cafeteria." He threw his arm over Jay's shoulder and Jay nudged him with his crutch.

"Whatever, Cameron, as long as there's food."

I turned and headed back into Emma's room, "Hey," I whispered folding my legs into the chair beside her bed.

"Ellie…that was quick."

"The four of us self-destructed about eleven feet into the hallway," I laughed coldly. "Jay said you wanted to see me?"

"Well, yes."

"About what?"

"Um…I like you best? I didn't realize I needed a formal reason."

I laughed into my hand, "I guess you don't. But, as far as reasons go, I like that one."

"Did Jay tell you what happened to his leg?"

"I've only seen him for a total of four minutes so, no."

"They were playing war games like capture the flag or something. And one of the structures collapsed and landed on his leg. Worse than that, the guy standing on the structure _also _landed on his leg. He was in a rope crawl and couldn't get out fast enough when he heard them yelling about the collapse."

"That's messed up."

"Kinda," Emma said, her lips quirking up into a smile.

"Kinda?"

"Well, he's home now."

I smiled at her, "That he is. How long until he has to head back?"

"I didn't ask. Tell me about the fight."

"Manny finally apologized for the lies about me and Craig which I found out weren't so much lies as a huge misunderstanding influenced by Craig sleeping with my cousin Rachel."

"Manny—wait, Craig slept with your cousin."

I arched my eyebrow, "She _looked_ like me. Hence Manny thinking it was me."

"Craig slept with—you know, just when I think Craig Manning can't get any more messed up—"

"I know and…he didn't even tell me. He didn't tell anyone for that matter. I don't know how he can lecture me about being honest and open with him when all along he had this secret—do you think he did it more than once? Oh God, Emma. How do people move on from stuff like this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to love him. Like I used to. But every time I look at him I see the mistakes. I wonder how many women he's slept with…I wonder how many women he's slept with just because they looked like me. He told me, a week or so ago that they all had red hair. Physical scarring. I'm not sure if. I'm not sure he'll ever be healthy enough to actually be in a relationship, let alone with me."

"Or maybe he'll only ever be able to be in a relationship with you, Ellie. Like you're his anti-kryptonite."

"I'm not though. He's just as fucked up with me as without."

Emma tilted her head to the side, thinking, "We don't actually know that. Because even when he was with you, he was also with Manny. Maybe being sober _and _being with you, just you, is all he really needs."

"That's a lot of pressure to put on one person."

She nodded, "Yeah. It is. You should ask Jay how he does it."

"Emma…you and Jay are a completely different situation."

"Not quite. I—you know he puts up with a lot of shit from me. I have fat days and I get irrationally angry. There are problems in everyone's life."

"I suppose. I—Emma, I know you're trying to help but. You can't downplay every problem and make it all some "You can do it" bullshit. I get that your intentions are good but. Sometimes you just make me feel like crap. Like you don't see how I couldn't possibly have gotten my life together by now."

"Oh, Ellie. I don't mean it like that. I just—I don't want you to lose hope. You are one of the strongest, most beautiful people I know. You have been through far more than anyone else I know. I probably don't tell you this enough but sometimes, seeing you live your life, watching the way you care for others, is the only thing that convinces me I can do it too."

"Thank you."

"Yup. So, enough about boys. Let's talk about this book. I haven't seen you type a thing since we got on this trip."

"Because I haven't written a thing."

"So, what, you hit some sort of road block?"

"Everything I start writing about ends up actually being about Craig."

"So?"

"Manny already capitalized on that market."

"Let him influence your fiction then."

"He already has. I'm sick of writing about Manning. I sick of writing about him, talking about him, turning corners in hallways and seeing him there. It was so much easier to hate him and everything he stood for when he was miles away."

"When he was a fuck up?"

"He still is."

"No. Not really. Now it's more…I don't know, he was a _really BIG _fuck up so now he has lots to climb out from under but he's not adding to the pile so…"

I sighed and pulled her hand into mine, "I don't really want to write anymore, Em. Not like I am, anyway. That pretentious column, telling people how to live…or worse, judging them for who they are living. Talking about symbolism and love like I'm some casual observer of life. I quit before I left to meet Craig in upstate New York."

"So how are you going to make money?"

"Well, we won't have to worry about that until Craig runs out of money. And you know _his_ stuff's still in rotation on every radio station from here to Tokyo."

"Living off your boyfriend, Nash, how very 1950s of you."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"He totally is. Just with none of the perks."

I rolled my eyes and scowled at her, "You know, there are days when I really regret becoming your friend, Nelson."

"And today is one," she asked in an innocent voice.

I looked down at her puppy dog eyes, "Decidedly yes."

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I'm slowly but surely getting back in the swing. Thanks for the love.


	16. Chapter 16

Finally. An update. I'm kind of a slave to my muse. Only as she inspires do I write. I'm really pushing hard to finish this though because so many people love it and, also, I have the last chapter written. Now, I just have to fill in the middle.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Emma and I flipped through the channels on the television while we waited for everyone to get back from the cafeteria. "Do you think everyone's still alive?"

"Maybe," Emma said turning towards me, "Jay definitely. The other three I have less conviction in."

I laughed lightly and spun my feet onto her bed, "So how long are the doctors going to keep you?"

"A couple of days. No more than four, Dr. Rheeling said. Everything looks in order once they knock the infection out."

"Then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Jay's here. I mean are you two going to continue with the trip or head back to Canada?"

"Well, even if Jay is actually dismissed, not just on temporary leave, and even if he doesn't want to go on the trip, I don't think we're moving back to Canada."

"I thought you liked Toronto?"

"I did. I do. I don't know…so much has changed. We've both changed so much and the States have been my home for so long now. I like it here. I thought maybe we could settle down here, New York, or Virginia. Somewhere with a big backyard and—"

"They have backyards in Canada too, Em."

She tilted her head slightly and appraised my eyes, "Why are you giving me the hard sell on Canada?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Jay loves it. I mean, I'm sure he would love anywhere the two of you could be together but he has always spoken highly of Toronto."

Jay said something to me once, when we were talking about everything that happened with us. It was, "Sometimes it's about what _is _best for us, not just what we _think _is best for us." Jay loves Toronto on paper. But he has never been happy there. Not as a child or anytime in between. I know he wants to stick it out, to create happy memories for our family where his never had them but…maybe what Jay needs is to be freed from his ghosts."

"Do you think that could happen?" a male voice asked breaking into our quiet calm. "Do you think we can ever really be free from our ghosts?"

Emma let her eyes follow the voice, "I don't know Jay. It's the nature of humanity to survive. Maybe part of survival _is _that memory of the struggle."

"I don't mean people in general. I mean us, me and you. Or do we have so many ghosts in so many cities and towns all over the world that we'll be running for decades?"

"I'd go anywhere for you."

"That's not what I asked."

"I—Jay, I don't understand the question."

"Two years ago you told me you didn't want to run away. What's changed?"

"I—I don't know. Nothing's changed really. I still don't want to run away."

"You do. And worse than that you're pretending it's me. Putting words in my mouth, saying _I'm _the one looking to be freed of their ghosts."

"You know I don't hide from my past. I accept it, let it become a part of me. But I'm not talking about the past, Jay. I'm talking about the future…the goals. The dreams we had for ourselves. I'm talking about being freed from the expectations of our former selves. But I'm in no way talking about running. If it's anything, it's choosing where to raise our children. Where to plant our trees, our family, for the rest of our lives. And what does Toronto have that should make us consider it more than anywhere else?"

"Our past. Our history."

"Our families are gone, Jay. Left in shambles or dead through and through. What history do we have there other than pain?"

"We had our first date at The Dot. Our first kiss. First home together."

"First miscarriage, first break up, first time I cheated on you with your best friend."

Jay's eyebrow arches at her words, "_Last _time you cheated on me with my best friend?"

A smile cracks onto Emma's face, "That too, you little optimist."

He points his thumbs in at his body, "Excuse me, I'm a big guy. Also, a realist. And maybe, sometimes, when occasion calls for it, a romantic." He turns his hands to her, pointing liek Vana White, "I can't help it God gave me so much lovely to work with."

"Come kiss me, you BIG romantic charmer. I've missed those lips."

He puckers his lips and strains his eyes downwards trying to see them, "These old things? And here I was thinking of trading them in for a newer pair."

"Don't you dare," she teases as he climbs into the hospital bed with her.

"Are they your favorite thing about me?" He asks, preening as Emma's hand trails down the side of his face.

"Not even close. But I like them well enough to keep them."

"That's funny, Jay was just saying the same thing about you downstairs," Sean jokes shuffling into the room with a bouquet of balloons.

I look back and forth between Jay and Emma, there is no sign of tension in either of their faces. And I wonder how the fight can be over when nothing has been resolved. They still don't know what they're doing with their lives, with their family. Nothing is going to be different. It's like they're just buying time until someone brings it up again. "Where's everyone else?"

"Craig and Manny? They went to talk somewhere. Manny said it was overdue and Craig more or less agreed—"

"He was dragged out into the parking lot by her short ass bitching the entire way about how much you two _needed _him back up here," Jay interceded.

Emma laughed, "He thought that would help? She's been waiting a lifetime practically to have it out with a sober Craig Manning."

"Where'd they go?" I asked pouring some water from the plastic pitcher on Emma's nightstand.

Sean pulled himself into a chair, "I think he said they were going back to the hotel."

I arched my eyebrow, "To talk? Well, let's hope it stays PG."

"There is nothing Manny has to say to Craig that could be said in a Disney movie," Jay replied.

Of course there wasn't. But I wasn't at all concerned about the talking. It was the other part, the all-consuming passion that haunts two people who can never quite let eachother go. That was the part that had me biting my fingernails. I couldn't help but a feel a little jealous of her. Back for less than five hours and she got her knock-down-drag-out-hold-nothing-back conversation? How was that fair? Especially when I'd been waiting just as long, if not longer, for it.

Emma reached over and stilled the hand I was tapping against the table, "Ellie…they're just talking."

I nodded and cracked a half smile so she'd believe me when I said, "Yeah, I know."


	17. Chapter 17

Craig and Manny were back at the hotel _talking_. Craig and—"Ellie? Where'd you go just now?" Jay's voice jolted me out of my paranoid haze.

"What? Nowhere? Why?"

"Sean just asked you if you wanted to head back to the hotel and catch up on your sleep and you have been staring at the corkboard on the wall for six minutes now."

"I'm fine. I'm also more than ready to head back to the hotel."

"Thanks, Nora. I love you too."

"I didn't mean…I'm just. Tired."

Emma laughed, "Tired, right. Tired and incredibly nosy. How many times do we have to tell you there's nothing happening between them anymore."

"He's not my personal property. He can, and will, and HAS done, whatever he wants. Craig Manning is not my problem anymore. And thank God for that." I stood up and grabbed my purse off the floor, "Emma, I will call you tonight and see you first thing in the morning. Right now there is a shower with my name on it."

Sean rose from the window ledge is was leaning on, "A shower does sound nice. I think I'll grab one before I come back. I told Mona I'd stay with Tracker tonight so she could go home and get some of their stuff together. They're supposed to be moving in a week and this has really fucked with their timeline."

"Mona's worried about the move? You'd think she'd be happy just to have her husband back," Jay said placing his hand on Emma's forehead, "a house is not a home without the one you love."

Sean smirked, "Mona's fine. Tracker's the one that's freaking. Something about already paying for the movers and not getting their deposit back."

"Sounds like Tracker," Emma said tilting her head so she could catch Jay's hand with a kiss. "Okay, we'll see you all tomorrow. Ellie, play nice with the other kids."

I leaned over to give her a hug, "Who, me? I'm always nice."

"That is a bold-faced lie, Nash."

"Watch it Sean, or I'm leaving you in Philadelphia." I turned to give Jay a hug before continuing my bickering with Sean all the way down the hallway.

We drove the van back to the hotel in record time and Sean followed me up to my room, "Craig and Manny are probably still talking," he justified.

"Don't remind me," I bit rolling my eyes as I flung the door open.

"What's your deal anyway, Ellie…"

"It's not fair. She swoops in and he's back to explaining and sharing. All I ever get from him are the millions of reasons we aren't talking about what happened yet."

"It's got to be hard, La. He's got to be terrified you're going to hear him out, deem him not good enough, and leave him."

"Leave him, Sean? I'm not _with _him…how could I leave him?"

"You know what I mean."

"Actually, I don't. And I'm sick of doing the extra math on the Manning-situation. I get the first shower." Sean just nodded and let me shut myself into the bathroom. That's what was good about Sean, he never forced the conversation. It's like he could tell when someone needed space and was perfectly content to give it to them. I turned the dial on the water until it was as hot as it would go then hopped in. I let the water wash over me, let it wipe my mind of all the things happening outside those four walls. It felt amazing to be free of the pain, the anger, if even just for a moment. I quickly toweled off and swung the door open, "Thanks for that, Sean. I really needed it," I smiled looking at the bed where Sean was when I left.

"Ellie?" I heard someone ask from the doorway.

I turned my head, "Craig, hey—"

"Did you. Oh God…of course. Fuck you Cameron! You knew she was off limits!"

I took a moment to assess the situation. Craig was standing in the door frame looking past Sean's body. Sean was wearing a pair of sweatpants and—nope, that was it, just the gray sweatpants. "What are you talking about, Craig?" Sean asked crinkling his eyes in confusion.

"You'll just jump at any chance you get to get into her pants again. I mean I know she gives good head but, Christ. Show some restraint."

"Craig—" Sean started.

My eyes narrowed at his comments as I rushed to be heard over Sean, "Get out, Craig. How dare you come in here and start making judgments. How dare you talk about me like I'm some sort of whore. Why don't you go back to your room and enjoy some more of your time with the bitch of girlfriends' past."

"Maybe I'd stop treating you like a whore if you stopped acting like one."

I used my hand to force him further into the hallway, "You stupid, clueless asshole!" And with that I slammed the door behind him.

Sean grabbed my wrist, "Ellie, calm down. You have to go talk to him. You can't have him walking around out there thinking we slept together."

"Let him think whatever he wants, Sean. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of chasing him and forcing him to see what should be completely obvious by now. If he thinks I could ever love anyone else, ever even look at anyone without feeling they were just falling short, then he deserves to wallow in his pathetic self-pity. Shower's all yours."

Sean followed me over towards the bed, "Ellie…you need to talk to him. He came here looking for you. He said talking to her made him realize how much he needs to be talking to you. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Or maybe I'm just tired of wanting the same damn things. I keep expecting him to change. But he doesn't. He won't. He loves me but he doesn't have a clue what to do with it. All he does is hurt me, Sean. And I don't have much strength left. I don't know how much more I can take. That's a lie. I know I'm strong, Sean. I know I can take it. But I shouldn't have to, right? I shouldn't have to spend another 2 years, or five years, or fuck, ten years, putting up with his bullshit. I'm over it. He can put his own life back together."

Sean pulled me into a tight hug, "You're right. You do deserve better. I just…I want you be happy and history has proven that you have to be with him to be happy."

I blinked rapidly as the tears started again…Sean was right. I knew, everyone knew it. Craig and I were supposed to be together. But how would we get there? How would we _ever_ going to start living our happily-ever-after if we never sorted out our brutally painful past. "I'm going to get dressed and go find him."

"Okay. I'm going to catch a shower and head back to the hospital. But if you need anything, I'm just a phone call away."

"Thank you Sean. It means the world to me that you're here for me."

"Anytime, Ellie. Always. Now go get your man."

I laughed and shoved him away from me lightly. He grabbed his t-shirt off the floor and headed into the shower, "I'm using your girly-ass shampoo! And probably your razor!"

"You're disgusting! But you do need to shave so knock yourself out." I shuffled through my bag and threw on the first outfit I found that came even close to matching then shoved my feet into a pair of flip flops and headed out the door.

The first person I saw in the hallway was, of course, Manny. Because every moment of my life somehow now included her. "You're in trouble now."

"Fuck off, Santos"

"I'm just saying…they're not exactly interchangeable."

"Which is why I only want the one. Do you know where he went?"

Manny rolled her eyes and looked at her perfectly manicured nails, "He's still Craig Manning, Ellie. Where do you think he went?"

I scoffed, "The bar?"

"Ding, ding, ding. Give the girl her prize. If anyone would still consider Manning a prize, that is."

"Well, hey," I muttered sarcastically, "thanks for all the help." I moved swiftly to the elevator and practiced what I would say the whole way down. I would remain calm regardless of what he said. I would not hit, shove, or kick. I would explain that nothing happened between Sean and I and he would have no choice but to listen to reason. When the elevator landed on the bottom floor I stepped out, scanning the floor for Craig.

I noticed him at the bar inside the hotel lounge talking to the pretty blonde girl behind the bar. Of course it would only take Craig five minutes to replace me. I hesitated between walking over to him like I'd planned and retreating into my room for the rest of our stay in Philadelphia. I settled for staying where I was. Gauging the situation…seeing if he was flirting or just drinking. Not that either answer would make me happy. The girl threw her head back in laughter and Craig's eyes lowered to rest on her chest. He winked at her then patted the barstool next his own with his hand.

Six minutes was apparently enough time for Craig to succeed in seducing a bartender. I didn't want to see what could happen in seven. Or ten. I was still standing there when the elevator opened behind me again. Manny and Sean both stepped out, "Hey lovebird, how'd it go?" Sean asked.

"What? Oh, hey you guys. I uh…"

"Got stalled by a little competition? Come on, Ellie. He can try to convince himself he can tolerate another woman but in the end his body still bends to fit _yours_ his lips still whisper your name. Trust me…I know. I gave up on hating you for it a long time ago." Manny put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "You have to make him work for it. He's going to want to take the easy way out every chance he gets. You can't give up though."

"I don't want to be with him like this. It feels like a threat. Like if I'm not _with _him I can't be near him. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let him back in," I told them shaking my head. Well, I told Sean. Manny was stalking towards the bar as I spoke. I looked up at Craig and braced myself for fireworks.

Manny stepped right up to Craig and put her arms around him. The girl recoiled and started explaining with large hand movements and vigorous head shaking. Manny just nodded then, with a look only she could make work, she flicked her wrist at the girl and told her to get lost. Just as Craig turned back to his ex-wife to start shouting Manny held up her hand to stop him and waved us over.

Craig scowled at the sight of Sean and I and stood up to walk away. I rushed over to him with Sean right on my heels. "Craig, shut _up _for once in your life. Sean and Ellie didn't sleep with eachother. Your precious flower is still all yours—"

"Okay, enough helping. Have a good night, Manny." I said looking at Craig's face, "She's right, though, Craig. I just took a shower. Sean was napping when you came in. Things have been over between us for a long time."

He scoffed "Right, so what were you thanking him for?"

"Friendship," Sean said stepping into the conversation. "Keeping her mind off the fact that you were a few floors away with Manny and a king-sized bed."

Manny laughed, "Ellie…Craig and I are so over there's no analogy to compare it to. I'm marrying his old manager. We're having a baby. That's what I was talking to him about. Jon and I want a normal life…we don't want everything to remind us of our past anymore. I just needed closure."

I looked down at my hands before turning back to Craig, "I'm sorry I get so jealous of Manny even being near you. But you have to believe that nothing happened."

Craig sighed, "I do. I just. Seeing you both so close and so close to undressed. It sparked something inside of me. Worse than jealousy…like…a violent wave of rage that I couldn't control. You're mine, Ellie. Whether you want to be or not. Whether I want to feel this way or not, I do. I can't help it."

I hugged him to my body, "We'll figure it out, Craig. But you have to stop letting the anger win, okay?"

Sean laughed at the site of the two of us, "So all these weeks and that's all it took to get you together?"

"We're not together," I said quickly. "We're just not fighting. We still need to talk. We have a lot of amends to make before we can move forward."

Craig groaned, "Are you kidding me. Christ, Elle, how many hoops do I have to jump through?"

"No hoops, Craig. Just quit picking up bartenders every time you don't get your way," I said moving back towards the elevator.

"Oh, come on! Ellie…" he argued following me.

Sean laughed and looked at Manny, "Well I guess the fun part is finally beginning."


End file.
